After a break of blogging decided to start again. I can't realise it is almost a month ago since my last post. During the month of December I have done a lot of thinking ... as I always do! I have made a huge decision. For the past 6 years or so I have been seeing a counsellor who helped me to get through the darkest years of my life. And I don't think that without her I would be the person I am today. I will always be grateful for everything she thaught me and learned to accept myself the way I am. Now I have made the decision to go alone without her help as I think I am strong enough to cope. I feels quite scary as she was the one that has kept me sane all these years. But on the other hand I feel very proud of how far I've come. So this is the big decision. The thing is that I know I can always go back to see her if I ever need to. But right now I want to deal with it on my own. So my blog entries will be a lot about how I feel too and not always fitness or diet related. And I believe that writing it down helps already a huge lot...

Exercise:
PT: The exercise part is still the same. I will still see my PT as I still want to do this duathlon this year and he will help to achieve this. And I still want this fabulous beach body by the summer :) I am also looking into having some kettlebell training too. Unfortunately my PT doesn't do that. But I have found 2 around where I live. So would love to do different things. And so many people are raving about it. I want to give it a go...
Runningclub: I now want to go there every week. I have enjoyed the last few weeks in December.
I would like to exercise 5 times a week again, preferable 6. But I will start with 6.

Food:
I will log all my food again with WLR. It has helped me quite a bit the few weeks before I went away for Christmas. I stopped counting for most part of the summer. But now I want to control more what I eat and make sure I don't eat too much and have enough protein. As that is still on the low side!

Happy New Year to you all!!

Caroline xxxx

Back to the runningclub ...

And I loved it! I was very nervous as I haven't been since September. I went back to the beginners and I really enjoyed it! It was a good pace for me and I still earned another 600 calories for one hour. So I was very pleased with myself. So I have decided to carry on going now and stay with the beginners till my fitness picks up again. As after 2 weeks of no activity whatsover due to a nasty bug i could see that I've lost my fitness quite a bit! Amasing how in 2 weeks you can lose so much of your fitness. But hey now I am more motivated again to keep going. I think sometimes a break can help to refocus and put more effort into things. The only thing that I am not gonna do this week is to push it.

A while back I wanted to exercise 6 times a week and never managed to do so. So now I have decided to stick with the 5x a week and not get stressed about the 6x. For me 5x is pretty good going and if I can keep that up then I will be very happy when the Bikini season is there :) I can't even remember last I had a bikini!!

Good day to you all!

xxx

Woohoo!! Very happy today as I have lost the 1kg I put on while my friends were here. I didn't think I was that focussed but something happened and am very happy about it...

Now I have to concentrate to up my protein level. As that is still on the low side. I have changed my nutrition profile to Carb 45%, Protein 30% and Fat 25%. I never realised how many carbs I was eating during the day. So now want to make sure my protein level are good too! That is probably why I never kept the weight off as I was often hungry.

Tonight I will see my PT and am a bit nervous as last time I almost fainted. And somehow it has stuck in my brain. Although now I feel much better. But I felt OK last time I saw him so we'll see! And he didn't even push me hard... I am probably worrying for nothing. But I definitely won't overdo it on the exercise front this week.

Food for today:
Breakfast: Oatso simple sweet cinnamon + 180ml skimmed milk
Snack: Orange
Lunch: Brown bap with egg mayo. Dessert: strawberries and blueberries and a bit of agave nectar (Yummy!!)
Snack: Provamel banana flavour
Post workout: Protein shake
Dinner: Wholemeal pitta with sweet chilli chicken, tomatoes, cucumber and mayo. Dessert: TBC
Drinks: 1 Caffe latte, 3L water, 1 Energy drink

Exercise: PT session in the gym probably

I’m quite pleased with myself. I haven’t exercises for the last 2 weeks or so and on Saturday night I went to a big party where there was lots of eating and drinking. This morning I got on the scales (one day earlier than my weigh in day) and I was still the same as on Friday (a day before the party). Well I have to admit I didn’t drink a lot of alcohol as I wasn’t feeling great. I am still suffering from a bug or something nasty. I still don’t feel 100% today… But I was pleased that I didn’t put on any weight as I was dreading it a bit.

Tomorrow I start again with the exercising. I see my PT then and will see how I cope. And will decide how many times I will exercise this week. Last time I saw him I almost fainted after 15min because I was feeling so rubbish! I am a bit nervous to go and exercise again. As that feeling was quite terrifying. Not too keen to that again !!! But right now I start to feel a bit down and then realised that I haven’t exercised for 2 weeks or so. So want to get back into it as soon as I can!

My date on Friday didn’t really go according to plan. I thought we were gonna have a meal and then see a movie. But after the meal he wanted to go home and never mentioned anything about the movie. So my night out was just a few hours. I found that very strange. Someone who “supposedly” was very keen to see me!! So have decided not to contact him again and see when he will contact me! If he does so … I haven’t heard from him sofar!

So really need to get back into exercising to clear my head… as I start to notice that I get irritated for really minor things! No wonder my friends tease me by saying I am a drama queen!! I probably am … :) My counsellor told me that I am just very sensitive!! That is just a nice way of saying the same thing. HA…

Anyway here is my food for today:
Breakfast: Oatso simple golden syrup + 180 skimmed milk
Snack: 2 Clementine
Lunch: Bagel + Philly light basil + wafer thin ham, Chicken soup. Dessert: Orange
Snack: 100gr yogurt + 70gr strawberries + 70gr blueberries + 15gr whey protein banana
Dinner: wholemeal pasta with something (not too sure what yet!!)
Drinks: 3L water, 2 coffees latte

Exercise: None

Today the dizzyness has make way for a heavy cold. Considering that everyone in the office is sneezing and coughing it is not a surprise that I get it now too. But I'd rather have a cold than dealing with dizzyness. That was pretty awful. At least a cold is just a cold. It can make you feel really rundown but it is just a cold after all!!

I won't do any exercises till Saturday when I see my PT again. I was debating earlier if I would go for a run. But have decided against it. As my body was telling me to take it easy and that is what I am going to do. Maybe I was overdoing it a bit too before I got ill and my immune system went downhill.

Anyway on Friday I go on a date. It is the 3rd time we meet up. I think I quite like the guy. I am definitely looking forward to it. I haven't been on a 3rd date for ages so hopefully I will still be happy on Saturday. He seems quite keen though ... which is good!

Saturday I have a big party to go to where there will be lots of drinking, eating and dancing involved. I am really looking forward to it. We have it every year and it is such great fun!

Food:
Breakfast: Oatso simple Sweet cinnamon and 180ml skimmed milk
Snack: Apple
Lunch: Bagel + philly light basil. Dessert: 2 Satsumas
Snack: 100gr yogurt, 80gr strawberries, 60gr blueberries and 10gr vanilla whey protein
Dinner: Fish pie. Dessert: Pear
Snack: TBC
Drinks: 3L water, 2 Cappucino skinny Nescafe

Exercise: None

New start ... again

Today my healthy lifestyle starts again. I had friends over for the last 4 weeks and decided not to log anything and just enjoy their company. I still carried on with the exercising though. This morning I got on the scales and I put on 1kg. I was quite pleased that it wasn't more. So now I hope it will go off quite quickly...

My new weigh in day is now Tuesday. It used to be Friday but wanted to do things differently and starting it on a different day might do the trick! So my start weight is 84.4kg. As per WLR I should get to my weight goal which is 70kg by June next year. Just in time for the bikini weather ... :)

Not too sure why but I am quite excited about it all ...again!!

Exercise wise is still gonna be quite low as I am recovering from a nasty bug. I have been suffering from dizziness, shakiness and general no energy whatsoever. I had it since last Thursday and decided to give my body a rest and only start exercising again once my body gives me the go ahead!!

Here is my food for today:

Breakfast: Oatso simple golden syrup and 180ml skimmed milk

Snack: Apple

Lunch: 104gr wholewheat pasta and LF pesto. Dessert: Pear

Snack: 100gr yogurt, 60gr blueberries and 80gr strawberries and 10gr vanilla whey protein

Dinner: Salmon and asparagus gratin. Dessert: 2 satsumas

Snack: TBC

Drinks: 3L water

Exercise: None

Normal service has resumed .....

Funny that since I wrote this quite depressing post I have picked myself up again and feel much better about everything now. Writing things down is very liberating and helps me to put everything into perspective again ... :)

I have decided to start counting calories again. I stopped doing that for a long time and it worked fine back then. But right now I need some structure again and feel quite happy with that decision. I am quite motivated right now to stick to the calories and eat healthy. That is a great feeling! I have changed my weigh in day to Tuesday so that feels quite different too! I used to be Fridays.

I was feeling quite sick yesterday but still went to my PT session. Once I got there I thought this is not the best decision I've ever made. But after 10 min into the session I felt a bit better. And we did the most of the exercises sitting down. The only thing standing up I did was the crosstrainer and after 8-9 minutes I started to feel quite dizzy but still did the full 10 minutes. I don't like to give up. I already felt like I wasn't doing well as I didn't burn a lot of calories. But then again it is better to do what I've done than being miserable on my sofa! I still burned about 360 calories. At some point I thought I wouldn't even get to 200.... So all in all it is not too bad after all!
I won't be doing any exercises till Saturday as I still don't feel quite right and am very busy too. Sometimes I push myself too much to exercise when not feeling great and then I suffer later on. So decided to just chill out and then from Saturday go for it again :)

Even though I haven't watched my food for the past 4 weeks or so my clothes still feel the same. Until today I have been exercising almost every day. Sometimes it was just a short run of 30 minutes. But now I see that all these small things help not to put on weight.... And I was walking the dog every evening. Now I am more convinced to get a dog. I love them and it is good to get out too and love the company it gives you ....

I will start writing down my food again too.

Breakfast: Oatso simple golden syrup + 180ml skimmed milk
Snack: Apple
Lunch: 6 Wholegrain ryvitas, 2x mini pots philly extra light, Chicken soup (sachet!! Not the best clean eating food but have to finish the box... as I don't like to throw things away!) Dessert: 2 Satsumas
Snack: Trek flapjack
Dinner: Roast chicken + salad + home made dressing
Snack: Protein shake
Drinks: 1 cafe latte, 3L water

Exercise: none

Not in the right place ...

Right now my head is not in the right place to keep posting. So have decided to stop blogging till everything gets sorted in my head ...

Food is totally out of the window. My friends are still staying with me (week number 4) and then it is very hard to be healthy as they are not on a diet right now.

The good thing in all this is that I keep up with the running and my trainer too. It clears my head and keep my sanity. So hopefully will feel better soon and will start blogging again and talk about my diet and fitness and not about all the others stresses in my life right now... :)

My apologies for this very depressing post!!

Caroline xx

Today haven't got much to report but I found that writing stuff down keeps me on the right path. And keeps me focused to stay healthy and keep exercising.

Last night went running with the dog for a 5K run and loved every second of it. This cold, crisp weather is absolutely great to get out and get some fresh air. Felt so much better afterwards.

Tonight I have another session with my PT - well the replacement as my PT is doing a triathlon training week in Lanzarote. It is OK for some :) Not too sure about the replacement as she won't probably push me as hard as my PT but I thought it is better to do it than nothing at all! And I might be surprised as how hard she might push me...

Food for today:
Breakfast: Oatso simple sweet cinnamon with 180ml skimmed milk. (First time I tried it and I absolutely loved it. It wasn't much in my bowl but it kept me full till lunchtime)
Snack: Apple
Lunch: Left over dinner - soup with rice noodles, prawns, asparagus, baby corn (absolutely lovely). Dessert: 2 Satsumas
Pre workout: Banana with almond nut butter and a protein shake
Post workout: Protein shake
Dinner: Stuffed Peppers with couscous and ratatouille. Dessert: To be decided
Snack: Probably some piece of my lovely Belgian chocolates ... Oops!!
Drinks: 1 Cafe Latte, 3L water and energy drink

Exercise: Gym session PT

1st Sprint session...

Yesterday was the 1st time I did a proper sprint session. We did 5 sets of 5 trees. I have no idea of the distance it was but I suppose something around 50-70 metres. I think I went flat out as I struggle breathing afterwards and there was no way I could jog until the next set. So I just walked in between sets. I have to say that I was quite proud of myself that I managed 5 sets flat out. My PT kept telling me that these flat out sessions will help me a lot with my running – especially as I want to run faster. So from now on I will include some sprint session in my weekly workout. I found a 50m stretch just round the corner. I will start with that and see where it gets me. I have to say today my legs are absolutely killing me. I can hardly walk on the stairs. But I still want to do a gentle run later on with my friends dog. Or maybe just a power walk… but would rather do a run.

Yesterday food was atrocious and by the end of the evening I felt absolutely sick. I didn’t know how to sit on my sofa because I was so uncomfortable. Gosh that was painful. So from today this crap food has to stop. The thing is because my friends are staying with me and they have plenty of naughtiness in the house – I can’t stop myself from having some of it. And obviously the some of it turns into a major binge… I don’t think I have put a lot of weight as my clothes still feel the same. But I can see quite a few spots of my face and that is the direct result of crisps and choccies. So they have to go rapidly.

What I really feel right now is that after work I really need to have some fresh air. I never felt the urge before. So now when I get home and get changed and go for a run or a walk with the dog. I hope when my friends will be gone I will still carry on doing it! I think I will. Exercising is now a big part of my life. I just have to sort out my food. I know that once my friends will be gone I will go back to my healthy eating habits. It is a funny thing that ... having your friends staying with you is great but there always comes a day when you have enough and want your space again. And as soon as they leave you will miss them terribly!!! Especially these friends once they leave they go back to France and I might not see them for a few months...

On Saturday saw this guy for the 2nd time and I had a nice time. We seem to get on well and he is of a calm nature ... which is just what I need. Now I just wonder whether he is not too calm for me. But we will see. We have the same interests and we can't stop talking when we are together ... So it is all good for now!

I will start writing my food down again once everything goes back to normal.

Exercise: Gentle 5K run with the dog

I'm happy to have my food again under control. And I am motivated to eat healthy and keep exercising. My friend make a delicious meal with lots of veggies and pasta. And it was lovely and felt very good that I am not letting everything go out of the window because my friends are staying with me! They saw the big change in me and my shape and didn't want to ruin it by not cooking/eating healthy stuff! I thought that is very nice of them...

I have decided to weigh myself when they are gone so that is probably in 2 weeks. And will see how well I've done. My clothes are still fitting the same so I don't think I have put a lot of weight. But I will let you know once it is there. Still very happy with myself that I haven't given in ... yet! But it is getting harder every day. Retraining your brain is not always an easy thing to do!

My sister is arriving tonight and is leaving on Friday again. As my friends are staying with me she will stay in a hotel close to where I live. It is all a bit very busy right now! In the past I would have let go of all my healthy habits and just eating crap food. I am very proud of myself that I have changed and see the benefits of being healthy.

Food for today:
Breakfast: Porridge oats, skimmed milk, sunflower seeds and chox whey protein
Snack: Apple and pear
Lunch: Left over dinner (Yummy!) which is lots of veggies in a bouillon with pasta. Dessert: Satsumas
Pre-workout: Banana + almond nut butter and Protein shake
Post-workout: Protein shake
Dinner: going with my sister. And totally no idea where to go... Probably somewhere in Windsor
Drinks: Cappucino, 3L water and Energy drink

Exercise: PT session in the gym

Eventful run!

I had a very stressed day yesterday with my boss. I just could feel the stress as I was hungry all the time. I now realise that when I am stressed I am hungry. Or that is what I thought but now I realise it is not hunger at all!! Anyway I got home and went for a run with my friends dog. I needed to get out and have some fresh air. I was quite proud of myself that I didn't go for the choccies...

So off we went for that run. And because I was so stressed I started off at quite a fast pace. And I loved it. The weather was cold and crispy just how I like it!! And then after about 10-15 min we passed a garden where the firework just got off. And the dog got really scared and shot off across the road. Thank God he was on a leach. Well as she was so scared and nervous I decided to run back. And again the pace was still quite fast as the dog was so nervous and just wanted to go home. So in the end I did just 25 min but at such a fast pace. It felt I ran for much longer. All in all it was good fun ... probably more for me than for the dog.

When I got back from my run my friend had been cooking a lovely healthy meal with lots of veggies. So that part was excellent yesterday and today had a salad from the canteen. So right now it is going well again. And it makes me feel better too!

On Wednesday my sister is coming and will get me more belgian choccies... Of course an offer I can't refuse! I think if I stay the same this month then I've done very well... but as I am not weighing myself now. It will be the clothes telling me how well I'm doing.

This morning I tried on a skirt that this summer was still a bit tight. And this morning it fit just perfectly. So very happy me today :)

Here is my food:
Breakfast: 50gr porridge oats, 100ml skimmed milk, 10gr sunflower seeds and 25gr choc whey protein
Snack: Apple
Lunch: Mixed salad + dressing. Dessert: Mango
Pre-workout: Banana + almond nut butter and protein shake
Post workout: Protein shake
Dinner: My friend is cooking so not too sure what it will be. But probably again a lot of veggies..
Snack: 25gr nuts
Drinks: Cappucino, 3L water and Energy drink

Exercise: PT gym session

New day ....

OK so today I have to start to watch what I eat again. But all my good resolutions have been throw out of the window. I have still exercised 5 times last week but food was appaling. I am ashamed of my veggie count. Every week I say the same thing but I have to dosomething about it now. And Monday always seem the best day to start from fresh again. I don't think I have put on weight as my clothes still feel the same. And I still don't want to go on the scales.

My friends who are visiting me told me that they think that I don't eat enough. And I have to say I was very suprised to hear that. As I think I eat enough as I am having 5 meals a day. I know that people are funny like that and say things because they are jealous of well you are doing. But they have told me that I looked really well and skinny (probably a bit exaggerated!!) so I would be surprised if they would say I don't eat enough just because of jealously... I know that my dad was always very worried about that. Because I am very much a black and white kind of girl. So in the past when I went on a diet I could easily not eat enough (obviously not for very long as it is not sustainable!). So I started to think about what I eat and obviously I eat less than before because my stomach has shrunk. And now when I am full I just stop eating even if there is still something on my plate.. which is probably a big change for them!! Maybe they have to get used of me being different foodwise... But in a way I am glad they told me as now I will pay more attention to what I eat... as I definitely know now that you have to eat to lose weight!!

OK I am gonna leave it there as I am so grumpy this morning and my eyes are quite sore. I am still very tired. I will have to go bed early tonight otherwise my body will react to this lack of sleep of the past week ....

Here is my food for today:

Breakfast: Porridge oats, 100ml skimmed milk, sunflower seeds and chocolate whey protein
Snack: Apple
Lunch: Homemade Butternut Squash soup, rice cakes, Philly light. Dessert: Satsumas
Snack: 100gr yoghurt, blueberries, strawberries and vanilla whey protein
Dinner: Not too sure but probably a big salad with homemade dressing and chicken. But that might be different as my friend is cooking tonight...
Drinks: Caffee latte, 3L water

Exercise: Run with the dog

Happy Friday!!

So happy it is Friday! Am actually totally shattered... Can't keep my eyes open really! Had a quite challenging week (emotionally) but managed to get through it with flying colors... So quite pleased with that!

Yesterday afternoon had half a day off and went shopping with the girls - all stuff for my house. And we had so much fun! It felt like we were back to our silly girls giggling days. And it was fab!! We were all flirting with the sales guys in the shops and they loved it to have 3 girls flirting with them....!!! I even got a date out of it! He is not my type at all (I am not even sure if he is going to call me) but it was just so much fun... :)

I haven't weighed myself for the last for almost 2 weeks and sofar I feel fine about it. Although I was quite tempted this morning to go on the scales. But will wait till I really can't wait anymore.

Right now I am exercising 5x a week. And I am very happy about that. For the moment doing it 6x a week is really a struggle especially as my friends are there and my routine is totally messed up. Hopefully next week should be easier. But still managed to do it 5x this week with my routing messed up. So quite pleased with that too!

Tonight I am going with the Canadian gang again. Right now I am so tired but I know that once I leave my work my energy levels will be up again :) And this w-e I am not doing anything special so will have plenty of time to chill out and sleep!! And sort out my veggies as have to up that in a big way!

It is weird honow that I don't weigh myself anymore on a regular basis that I don't seem to worry to much about my weight. I realise now that whether I am 1 kg less or more doesn't make me any happier. One of the things that makes me happy is to be around lovely people, still exercising 5x a week, running with the dog ... And the weight is not really that important anymore for the time being! I hope it will stay like this. For the moment I realise that numbers are just numbers and they shouldn't rule your mood!! It took me a very long time to get to this point. But boy what am I glad now that I manage that...

My food today is not going to be great. I will have porridge for breakfast and for lunch. I couldn't be bothered to think this morning about what to have. And I absolutely love porridge so that is not really an issue for me!!

This morning my kitchen scale died ... or better said the battery died! And I got really very irritated that I couldn't weigh my porridge, seeds and whey protein... So I had to guess and I am absolutely not good at this guessing game.. So will definitely have to get some new batteries!!

Happy friday to you all!!

xxxxx

Dog run!

This morning went running with my friends dog. She is such a lovely dog - beige labrador! Anyway this morning set my alarm to go for a walk with her but as it was cold and brisk outside I decided to go running. By the way absolutely love to run in this type of weather!! Much better than a hot sunny day...
I really enjoyed it. I did my usual about 5K run in about 34 min. So I was quite impressed as running with a dog for the first time is not always the easiest thing to do! Especially as in the beginning she was sniffing everything. Which is quite normal for a dog :) but after a few minutes she got the message that we were going for a run and not a leisurely walk. She loved it too. I might do it again while they are here...

Tomorrow I will be taking half a day off in the afternoon so I can go shopping with the girls and hopefully not be too emotional about it. But we'll see what happens. They know why I am like that so that makes it easier. I am quite excited to have half a day off now and go shopping.

This is my food for today: (getting back in my good habits although the veg counts is still very poor)

Breakfast: Porridge oats, sunflower seeds, skimmed milk and choc whey protein
Snack: pear
Lunch: Rice cakes and philadelphia light basil. Dessert: pomegranate and mango
Pre-workout: Banana and almond nut butter. Protein shake
Post workout: Protein shake
Dinner: Probably my lovely porridge again
Snack: Not too sure about that.
Drinks: 1 caffee latte and 4L water

Exrecise: 34 min run with the dog + PT session

Rollercoaster

Yesterday have been on an emotional rollercoaster. I am in the process of renovating my house. And the friends staying with me are helping me out with that. They know me so well so it is actually great to have them here. As I am not that great at making decisions especially quite big one like redecorating my house. Anyway yesterday during the day (while I was working) they went to have a look for sofa's and carpets for me...which is very nice! So after work when we went to the shops where they saw something nice to show me... And I started to get extremely emotional ... Every since my dad died I have really struggled with the money he has left us. And I want to use it wisely which is for my house. But on the other hand I found it very hard to spend that money too as I'd rather not have it and still have my dad... Sorry if this is a bit too personal ,,, but I had to get it off my chest!! So yesterday I was really stressed out and had terrible headache.

And then today it is sunshine again in my world :)... I am much calmer and can think straight again. And realised that my friends had given up on a whole day to help me out and that I should show a bit more appreciation!! So will tell them that tonight. And now also I have a better and clearer idea of what I want in my house. Amasing how one day is not another one.

This morning went for a quick walk with my friends dog. And I loved it!

Tonight I will see my PT for a though gym session!

I have decided to write down my food again as haven't done for a long long time!!

Breakfast: Porridge oats, sunflower seeds, skimmed milk and chocolate whey
Snack: 2 mandarines
Lunch: Jacket potato and cheese (Oops!!! Too many calories). Dessert: Fruit salad
Pre workout: Banana and almond nut butter and a protein shake
Post workout: Protein shake
Dinner: To be decided
Snack: Not too sure either
Drinks: 1 Caffee Latte, 3L water, Energy drink

Exercise: Gym session with PT + 15min walking the dog (Probably not enough as exercise!!)

Great w-e!!

I had an absolute fab w-e!! Not good at all for the diet but great for everything else :)

Saturday went on a date and it went quite well. I was 15 min late which is not a very good start. But for some reason I can't be on time anywhere. I don't do it on purpose it just is. The more I try the worse it gets... So my friends and family knows that but when you go on a first date it might not be the best thing... Anyway it was great fun and we chatted for about 2-3 hours and we got on quite well and a lot in common. So for the rest of the day couldn't stop smiling ... Hopefully we will meet again and then see how it goes. I think the first date is always a bit a weird one as both are nervous...

In the evening I met up with some friends and went out for a meal. It was great fun again and still had a big smile on my face!! Again not good the flat tummy I am working on ... but hey the flat tummy will come at some point! I am so happy to be out and about and am having so much fun now ... I have always said that I don't want to stop living for a diet!! It might take longer ... so so be it!!

On Sunday I met up with my PT and we went for a great run in Virginia Waters. I told him I want a change of scenery as we always run on the same routes and I was getting bored of them. And I knew exactly when there was a bridge, a tree, a wobbly stone.... Anyway that was a tough run as it was going up and down the whole time but I burned so many calories... Amazing! I didn't feel like I was doing well but was pleasantly suprised at the result at the end.. So hopefully we will do that again. And then we went for a coffee and had a brownie. Great fun and the brownie was delicious...

And then got back and my friends from France just arrived then. They will be staying with me for the next 2-3 weeks. Great stuff. They have a lovely dog...
It was so nice because the complimented on how good I look. And how skinny my shoulders, my legs and my bum are. It was so nice to hear all this. As I have noticed that there is a lot of jealousy out there. So I felt really good about the compliment. And now I feel quite skinny...

Last week didn't exercises 6x, I only managed to do 4x. I have to make an effort to do 6x now... Well I will be running/walking with the dog. So will definitely burn more calories this week. So that is good...

xxx

Had a very busy day at work today. It always seems that Friday is the busiest day of all. And that is the one day that I just want to wind down and be ready for the w-e! :)

Was suppose to go running yesterday but didn't get round to it. Or better I couldn't be asked to get changed... So there goes my 6x exercising this week. But hey 5x is pretty good too!! Tonight I am going out with the Canadian gang again. It is funny how now I am more nervous than last week... I always think that my shyness will come in the way of meeting people but last week went very well. So not too sure why there are so many nerves today.

Tomorrow I am going on a date. It will be the first time we meet. It could be that I am nervous because of that. So we'll see! I am looking forward to seeing him though... but it is always a bit nerveracking when you meet for the first time!! Will report on my date later on....

So have decided not to weigh myself every day anymore. I just don't want to be hung up on these numbers. So will try to weigh myself once a month or so. I was suppose to weigh today but didn't and don't feel anxious about it or that I miss something! So hopefully it will stay like this.

Hope you all have a good w-e!

xxx

Numbers...

Lately I have found myself struggling with numbers regarding weightloss, bodyfat,... And it is something I never want to admit to myself as I thought everything was find. But now I have realised that it does bother me when the scales are not going down, that my body fat is still at 40% and so on...

Now my sessions with my PT are getting much tougher. So the result is that the scales also show that. When I weight myself the day after a weight session then I will definitely have put on some weight. And I know the reason why. But somehow this morning I had enough of weighing myself every day and being disappointed about the numbers not always going the way I want them to go. So I decided that I shouldn't get hung up on these numbers all the time and stop using the scales.

My main goal is still to get to 70kg. But that is right now such a long way off and don't want to focus on that. That is too depressing. A lot of people will tell you that it is how your clothes feel that is the main thing. And they are right. So will have to focus on that and my fitness. I have decided to exercise 6 times a week. I am still on target for this week. And as long as I do that the weight has to come off at some point. Maybe not when I want it go but it will go off. It is such a tricky thing these numbers thing ... But I have to get away of that as it is not helping me and there is more to life than numbers.

The other thing is that my social life has picked up quite a bit. So going out all the time is not going to help my weightloss. But on the other hand it makes me so much happier inside. And I am not going to put my life on hold because I want to weigh 70kg. That is soooo wrong. It might take me longer to get there but I will get there!! And the day I do I will have a massive party and invite everyone who has helped me along the way ... So you will be all invited !! :)

Food:
Breakfast: Porridge, skimmed milk, sunflower seeds and chocolate whey protein
Snack: Apple
Lunch: Lentil soup. Dessert: Pear
Snack: 100gr yoghurt, strawberries, red currants and vanilla whey
Dinner: To be decided later. Not sure yet.
Drinks: 1 Cafe Latter, 3L water

Exercise: Run

A few days ago a good friend send me belgian chocolates - the ones I love!! I said previously that I was going to keep them for a month. Well I am not doing well at all on that front as almost half of what I received I've already eaten... Not good! I know I am a chocolate monster and once I have them in the house then it is like an urge for me to eat them. There is not such thing as keeping it for another day... If I don't have them I am fine. It is not like I desperately need them! So now I am convinced it must be in my head... As I can honestly not have any piece of chocolates for months and I am fine... So what is it??? Well I've no idea... I thought now I would be able to master my chocolate urge... but NO is the answer!! But as I am enjoying it so much I am not prepared to give them up.

So decided that I have to exercise more when I have choccies!! So this week I will be exercising 6 times a week. First for all the choccies I already have and will have and the other reason is that there is no way that my PT is going to put me on this treadmill if I don't achieve any results by the end of November. A friend told me that 6x a week is a lot. It might be for some people but untill my holiday I was exercising about 4-5 times a week. So this is just once more in that week. But now that my sessions with my PT are much tougher I might have to review that. I just want to try it and see if I can do it. And if not I will go back to 5x a week.

Foodwise is still not great! I can't seem to get going in eating more veggies. I still eat more than enough fruit. And every week I tell myself that I have to eat more veggies. But sofar it hasn't gone into my brain yet! Maybe next week :)

On Sunday my best friend, her partner and the dog are coming over for a visit and staying with me for a few weeks. I am not too sure for how long. But I am so excited to see them again. They live in the South West of France and the last time I saw them was back in May. And my friend's partner is such a great cook. I am sure I won't have to worry about eating enough veggies then :) This is going to be such a luxury. I jsut have to buy the stuff and tell her what I want and she will cook it!!! Love it - Love it - love it!! :)

xxxx

This morning...

So after my chat with my PT on Saturday I decided that I should exercise 6 times a week. So my day off will be on the Friday. Yesterday I was so shattered from my busy busy w-e I didn't go for a run. I didn't have much energy at al. So I did squats, lunges, arm dips, planks and starjumps - 3 sets of all. When I was out with my PT we did go to a sportshop and I bought some new running shoes. I had them on yesterday and am very happy with them. I wanted pink ones but didn't have tham so decided to buy them in puple/lilac type of color.

This morning set my alarm for 7am (1hr before I am usually get up) to go for a run as I wouldn't ahve time to do it tonight. My alarm went off and was debating for 10-15 min whether I should go for a run or not! But then I decided as I am awake I can aswell just go. So off I went and ran for 30min. I am very happy with myself. Especially as I am so not a morning person. And exercising at 7am is not something I would do!! I always thought that it was for dedicated people and I never thought I was one of them!! Now I am here sitting at work and my legs are quite sore! But I feel very happy and proud of myself that I've done it!! It is not something I will do every morning but when I can't exercise in the evening I will get up early and do it then! What a change in attitude for me!! I think the chat with my PT has spurred me on to exercise more as I definitely don't want to go on this treadmill ever again!!!! Just say the word treadmill and I will get up at 7am to go for a run :)

I wanted to do things differently after my holiday. Well that is one of the many things I am doing differently. And I feel great so will carry on doing it!!

Hope you all have a good Monday!!

xxx

FAB night out!

Last night went out with these Canadian people I talked about it my blog. Well I had such a fab fab fab night. There are so friendly and funny. They made me feel so comfortable from the moment I got there. I was stuck in traffic so arrived an hour late. Not the best thing when you meet people for the first time. So was quite stressed ... But that quickly disappeared and haven't stopped laughing for most of the night. They told me that they expect me to see now every Friday and that I should bring stuff to stay over so if I am too tired or pissed I can stay at their place. I found this so very nice. It was just great that I was able to feel so comfortable with people that I've never met before. What a difference when I went out to the pub with the running club where I felt so out of place!!!

So when I got back home I was on such a high couldn't stop smiling. And it took me ages to wind down and go to bed. So in the end turned off my light at 2.30am..... :)

Then this morning I had a run with my PT. It was good. I burned about 760 in 1.20hr. So was very impressed with that. It is the most I've burned in one session running. So happy bunny!!

Then we went for a coffee and finished off my chat with him. And I was very happy of how he reacted and he has set me some goals such as aiming to reduce my time for my 5K to anything under 34min. We will do more sprint where you go flat out. So I suppose it is going to be like this HIIT that a lot of people are raving about. He told me too that I should do the Santa run at the end of November. It is a 5K run. He wants me to do the bleep test (not sure if that is what it is called...). That is apparantly a good way to measure your fitness.

And he is going to measure me on a monthly basis. And when I have good result then I will get a treat such a massage from him. And if I don't do well he will put me on the treadmill. That is definitely the worst thing. I so hate this piece of equipment. Just the thought of it makes me grumpy!!!! But that will motivate me even more... So all in all the chat went very well and I was still on a high from my evening out and then my great run and all the goals set. So couldn't ask for more .... untill he measured me!!!!!!

He did all the measurement with his caliper. And then the result was that I had 40% fat!!! I was so disappointed. Almost half of me is still fat... I know you shouldn't get hung up on numbers. But somehow I still do!! Some lovely people on WLR have made me realize that I was doing well and that these calipers are not 100% accurate. And that the most important thing is that I see the difference in the mirror and feel it in my clothes. And they were so right!! So want to thank them to cheer me up again!! :) The glass is half full and not half empty....

Now I am going out again. And I am really looking forward to that evening out. These are some of my closed friends and I will get lots of hugs... I can't wait for that!! :) And lots of food and drinks... Not the best thing but haven't eaten much as didn't have much time. And after my big run today I deserve it. And will enjoy every single minute of it!!! :)

And today my closest friend in Belgium has send me some of my favorite Belgian chocolates. Yum Yum.... Hope will still have some left by the end of this month and won't eat them in one go!!!! So that is another goal to still have some left by the end of November. Now hopefully that I've put it in black and white it will help me stay motivated....

All these goals I have all of a sudden!!

xxxxxxx

Right now everything is going well. And I am so used to have lots of stuff going so this feel really weird. My life is a constant rollercoaster of emotions. When this happens I usually create little stories in my head to keep my head busy and often I argue with people in my head. I know it probably sound silly but that is what I do. It is like that when everything is quite something is not right. And it is not that I am expecting something to happen. No right now I feel good and quite happy with myself. I know it is not going to last but that is OK. I treasure these moments where everything goes well. And for that I have to thank all of you and my friends that support me. I don't feel on my own anymore.

Jobwise it is not great but things might change soon ... hopefully! So we'll see... So now I focus on my time outside of work and make the most of it.

I am glad that my relationship with my trainer is back to normal. I still have a few things to tell him and will do that on Saturday. I'm not looking forward to it as I hate confrontation and usually would do everything to avoid them. But now I can't. And I know I have to clear the air so it is all out in the open. My trainer already told me that he was happy we told about stuff. So that should make it easy and he knows I haven't finished. And once that is out of the way I can just focus on the training and not think about this conversation we are going to have.

I feel my head is clear again and can just enjoy life again which is a big relief.

Food is OK. Definitely not how it should be but that will come when it will click in my head. I'm still not eating crap or junk but not enough veggies. As I love fruit I have enough of them. Today I had porridge for breakfast and dinner... Today was the first time I had it warm. Usually I just have it cold with milk, seeds and whey protein and I love it. Well I had it warm today and it was ok. But am not too sure how much milk I am suppose to use. It is more filling than having it cold. So might have it again!! I actually love porridge...

xxxxx

PT

Just back from my session with my PT. And I wasn't looking forward to it at all. But it went quite well.

I told him that the sessions have to be tougher as otherwise it is a waste of money. And also told him that the exercises I do have to be right for me and not just picking some machine that is free. He was very surprised when I said that. As that was totally not how he felt. I also told him that the session last week was the thoughest I had. And he couldn't believe it. But he knows I wouldn't lie about it or not just say things for the sake of it!! I also mentioned that he has to be as motivated as I am about losing weight and toning up. And that he doesn't just do it for the money. Whether he agrees or not I leave that up to him. I just had to vent my frustrations and let him know. So now I've done my bit and that is the only thing I can expect from myself. It is out in the open so it is up to him now to do something about it. And after the session we had today ... Goodness me!! That was one big though session...

But I am happy with how he reacted to everything I threw at him. In the end he is very open for changes. It is just a shame that I had to confront him with it for him to realize I wasn't happy. It would have been nice if it would have come from him!!! And I think that is the problem I had with it. OK there are the emotions attached to it too. But hey I managed them very well today. So very happy indeed...

There are still a few things that I have to tell him. But he told me that Saturday we will go for a run and then for a coffee. So that will be my moment to tell him the rest that I need to get of my chest. He knows I am someone that needs to say it when there is a problem. Otherwise I will get irritated with him for something totally unrelated with the issue... So yes right now all is good...

I have been worrying all day about this. I am someone who absolutely hates confrontation. I would avoid it any cost. But glad it is all out and that it didn't end up in a big discussion but just about talking about it. It didn't feel such a big issue anymore...

I still have to sort out my food. This is not going great right now! I am not eating naughty stuff but just don't make a lot of efforts and my veggies count is way down. Nowhere where it is supposed to be!! Have to do something about it. But have such a busy week this week... So it will be for next week.

xxx

My blog is called "Caroline's diet blog" and the last few entries have been everything except "diet" but more "emotions"... :) Oh well my emotions often get the better of me and it is a good release to write in down in my blog. And to get lovely support messages is just great! So will keep talking about my emotions and how I feel..

Yesterday I spoke to a close friend about my life ... hehe what else?? Well especially how to change it. As right now I am not very happy in my job and then not having a boyfriend is not going to help. Usually if you like your job the rest of life is good too but for me as my job is not great the rest of my life suffers from that too. But now have decided that I have to change the things that I can change. So at the moment can't change anything about the job situation except that I am looking for one. I was more talking about my life outside of work. Now I don't want the negative feelings surrounding my job to take over my personal life. So now will do more during evenings and w-e so have the feeling that I have my life back. As before my holiday I was often just vegetating at home and that was part of the problem. So here is the new me... take control of my life and destiny!! I hope I will keep this attitude for a long time.

Tomorrow I will see my PT again and not looking forward to it as he messed with my feelings and I don't like that! I think he crossed a line that should never have crossed. And I let that happen so he is not the only one to blame for that.. But I have to stop it right there and right now. Not easy...
I have been wondering if I should just stop these sessions with him but have to say that he is a good trainer. And he will get me where I want to be. So from now on I have to see this as a business relationship and keep all the emotions out of it!! Not very easy to do especially as I am a very emotional person. But hey we will see how it will goes. I have been thinking about go to a female PT (the one that replaces my PT when he can't)but as I mentioned a while back I don't like to have a female PT (Sorry Choccy!! Not meant in a sexist way at all but you already know that :)). So for the time being I will carry on with him and also I have paid him to the next few sessions so will go till the end of that and then will re-assess the situation. Maybe that is going to motivate me to push me harder so once I get to where I want I can stop these PT sessions and look for something different to do!! It will have to be in a group as that will motivate me. I am not that type of person who can motivate herself. It has never worked in the past ...

Another one of my non diet related posts :)

xxxxx

400 steps...

When I was in Quebec we had to climb the 400 steps to get into the town centre. And before we started we thought 400 steps !?! that is just ridiculous. But off we went and we were at the top of the 400 before we realised it!

So today decided to do the 400 steps but on my stairs in my house. I counted them and there were 13steps. So i did 33 times and woohoo I've done my 400 steps. I did them in 3 sets as I won't have been able to do it in one go and is pretty boring to do in one go. I was very happy with myself. I also did squats; lunges, arms, planks. And I burned 300 calories and 50% of that was fat. Never burned so much fat in one session. So all in all a very good workout and very pleased now. I am off for some clothes shopping as my wardrobe is pretty empty now! :) Haven't decided where I will go probably go to the Oracle in Reading. I haven't been there for years. Now that I fit in a 14 size I should be able to find plenty of clothes!!

I am amazed that I got straight into my exercise routine after my holiday. Probably what has helped is that I saw my PT the first day back and that has kept me in the right frame of mind ... at least what my exercise routine is concerned. My food is still not how I want it to be but the good news is that I have lost the 1kg I put during holiday. So I can't really complain about it.

So all is well in my little drama world :)

Hope you all have a great Sunday!

xxx

So happy it is w-e and I can sleep and sleep and sleep more!! I am still recovering from my jet lag. I can't believe it is taking that long to recover from it!

Today saw my counselor after a break of 6 weeks. This is the longest break I had since I started my sessions with her. And so much has happened that I forgot actually where to start. Especially as now I feel much happier again. And also writing stuff down in my blog helps to release all the emotional stress/tension (or however you want to call it!) so I kind of forgot all that happened. I even forgot how bad I felt before my holiday. This is the new ME! Doing things differently as I definitely don't want to be in the same position as before my holiday. My head feels free of all issues and it feels I can just enjoy life again :)

Went for a 5K run this afternoon in 34 min... not very fast but I really enjoyed it! Now at least I have something to work from. My aim is to do this under 30min. There is some hard work to do there :) I love this colder weather for the running. It is so refreshing to go out! I prefer this than when it is much warmer...

Next week am gonna see some of my closest friends and can't wait to see them and get loads of hugs!! They always make me feel special, gorgeous and beautiful!! Sorry sound cheesy ... but they really make you feel special and getting all these hugs is just fab!! I love hugs...

I found this lovely ice cream. It is Greek yogurt with honey and almonds. It is absolutely gorgeous. Wasn't sure when I bought it. And it was only 126 cal for 100gr... just enough for me!

Yum Yum Yum Yum

More positive today ...

Feeling much better today. My head is clearer and my spirits are up again. But I am still very tired. The jetlag is really taking its toll. It is taking much longer than I ever imagined. But hey one more day to go after this one and then I can have a major lie in! Can't wait for that!

I have this funny (is probably not the right way to describe it!) feeling that my life is going to change radically for the better. So that nothing will be like before. It is really strange but in a way I love it. As I am definitely up for something different. I keep thinking about what it might be. It is like now I am ready to make change and now waiting for the changes to come to me. I already feel that my focus has changed from before my holiday.

One thing that I don't like is routine... And I am sure I won't be the only one feeling like that after a holiday where there was no routine whatsoever. Loved it to just get up and discover the world!! Was bliss :)
I also realise that you need a routine in life but this is not much fun! So have to find a way of making it exciting and fun!! Unfortunately can't change the time I start work or see my PT and stuff like that but everythign else has to be more exciting ... Any ideas?

I will start with writing my food down from next week as this week is not very good. I eat a lot of fruit and have a soup but apart from that the veggies are very low and in the evening I am too tired to cook. As I haven't much on this w-e I will cook some meals and freeze them.

xxx

Every year around the time my dad died I feel the same way. I am crying all the time without any obvious reason, I can't be bothered with anything, at work everything is too much and am so not motivated and I don't even care if I lose my job. Obviously in a few days, maybe even tomorrow, I will feel totally different. This is what they call is part of the mourning process. But fun is something else!! I know it is good to cry to let it out but at work they wonder what is going on. And I am not the one that will talk to people at work about it. I found it already hard enough to tell my friends this so let alone my colleagues ... who to be honest couldn't care less!! Or at least my colleagues...

I didn't want this to be a negative post because I still feel blessed to have had the dad I had. It is just hard to miss him like that!! But I'd rather have it that way and remember the great times we had than the opposite.

Was talking to a colleague about my holidays and stuff and then she mentioned that every friday night she is going out with whoever wants to come to Ealing. She is Canadian and the people going are most of them also Canadian. And she told me if I wanted to join them I am more than welcome. Well that has cheered me up! It would be good to do that every Friday and see new faces. Just what I need! Now I just have to face my shyness fears to meet new people... It is the same thing all over every time I go somewhere I don't know people. But that is the only way I will meet people and hopefully meet the man of my dreams :) And I know Canadian people are very nice people and very open so hopefully that will help me feel confortable with them... Will let you know how it went....

Foodwise it is still not great as am not eating a lot of veggies. But now I just want to get used to being back and get my routine back. As now it is all over the place. Will be good when it is all back to normal. My sleeping pattern is not great either but that I don't know whether it is because of the jetlag of my dad. So hopefully by the end of the week everything should be OK!!

xxxx

Miss you dad....

Today I feel a bit sad as it is the day that my dad died 6 years ago. And I remember the phone call I got from my sister to tell me and all the emotional stress that followed. But on the other hand I know he is happy there and I feel blessed to have had a dad like him. I was very much a daddy's girl and miss him very much. I know he didn't want to grow old and that his children would have to look after him and he was very worried about that. And just for that reason I am happy for him that he doesn't have to go through that! But it still hurts not to have him here anymore and hear his voice and how happy he always was to see me. But then again I have great memories of him that I will treasure for the rest of my life! And that is more important than wondering what could have been ... I can't change anything to the situation but I just want him to be proud of me!!!

xxxx

I'm back ....

And yes … I am back from my fab holiday. Just what I needed. Before my holiday I was so down, emotional,… and now I feel so good and positive. I was able to totally switch off and forget about everything back home and everything that got me so irritated before my holiday. Today I am still in a holiday mood. And can’t stop smiling while people here at work are stressed and grumpy!! Amazing what a fab holiday can do to you! :)

A bit more about my trip now … I went with my friend B on holiday. We have been on holiday before and we fell out for several reason but more because there were 3 of us and she felt left out. We patched up everything since then and have become really good friends. Although all this falling out was in the past it was still in the back of our minds and we openly admitted it!
We had so much fun. It was like 2 silly teenagers going on holiday. And we laughed for the simplest of things.

Just to give you an idea of your big adventure … here is the itinerary:
Montreal – stayed there 3 nights. The longest we stayed at one place :)
Drive to Niagara Falls and stay over one night
Visit the Niagara Falls and drive in the afternoon to Toronto. Stay in Toronto just for the night.
Visit Toronto just for the day. Way to short but we didn’t have enough time to stay longer as we had a busy schedule ahead. I loved that city. There was so much going on.
Drive to Quebec. Had to do an overnight stay on the way as it was too long to do it in one go.
Arrive at Quebec and stayed overnight. Visited the city and left the next day. It is a very nice town and people are so very friendly. There really are interested in how you are and not about the weather and stuff :)
Next day drove to Tadoussac to see the whales and black bears. We went on a cruise trip and saw some whales. It was fab. And then in the afternoon we went to see the black bears. Fab fab fab … love them!!
Then for the next 3 days we drove through la Gaspésie which is a beautiful countryside. The weather wasn’t great so we didn’t manage to do everything we wanted but the colours were absolutely gorgeous.
Then back to Montreal for the night as we were to Boston by coach. Yes by coach … an 11 hour journey!! I thought we would never get there. That was actually the only day that we didn’t do any type of exercise.
We stayed in Boston for 2 night. It is a great city with lots to do and people are still quite friendly. Although I prefer the Canadian people…
And then back to London :-( :-( I so didn’t want to go back home. I loved it there so much… But that is a good sign too as it means I totally chilled out and can face all the challenges ahead!! So now you have an idea of the things I’ve done.

Food wise I didn’t have too much bread and tried to go for chicken/fish with veggies rather than the cheese or greasy option. I had bread one day for breakfast and lunch and was totally blocked up and couldn’t go the loo so stopped eating that!!

Exercise wise we walked a lot every single day except the day that we travelled to Boston. We went running 5 times during our trip which is great as it is something I have never done in my previous holiday. One day we even went for a run at 7am … you have to know that I am not a morning person at all and for me exercising at that time doesn’t come in the equation usually. But we wanted to go running and that was the only time we could it that day!!

This morning when I went on the scales I was happily surprised that I only put on 1 kilo during my 2 weeks holiday. Very impressed with myself. Although I haven’t really looked to be good all the exercising much be the key and no bread too… We still had a few glasses of wine every night and lots of sweeties (pick ‘n mix type of things). I only have these sweets when I am on holiday. So maybe now I have found the recipe to go on holiday and not ruin my hard work.

Finally a positive post after my quite negative post before my holiday … Feeling good right now. I hope it will last :)

I hope you are all well

xxxxxx

OK this is it!!

This is it I am going on holiday!! J So this will be my last post for a while. I am really excited to go but still quite emotional. Still not too sure why. A lot of thoughts and emotions are going through my head. So I hope this holiday will help to deal with all these thoughts and emotions. Because it is very draining and still feel like crying most of the time. So can’t wait to just get on that plane and go…

Right now I don’t know whether I feel like that because of my loneliness or whether it is because of the feelings I might have for someone or whether it is a total different reason. I am someone that likes to know why I am feeling like that. And this is the hardest part that I don’t.

But with all these struggling moments I realise that I have some really good friends that will support me and will still love me regardless of this! And that is a heart warming feeling for me! In the past I always thought I had to be cheerful and funny otherwise people wouldn’t like me!! So being down or struggling didn’t fit into that. So although now I am struggling I feel happy at the same time. Very strange feeling….

Now I am off to a holiday that will definitely put my mind on other things as it will be big adventure. We will never stay in the same place for more than 2-3 days. Just perfect for me!! Not too much time to think about stuff!! So looking forward.

And the other thing is that I’ve been seeing a counsellor for the last 5 years. She has helped me tremendously and now I won’t see her for 5 weeks. So next time I will see her will be the week after my holiday. It is a long time as usually I see her every other week or so. But maybe it is good for me too to see that I can cope without her. Although now I realise that it would be good to see her. She is a bit like my safety blanket and she has kept me sane while I was going totally off the rails.
Some people have already told me that maybe I should stop these sessions with her. I don’t like it when people make comments like that as it is my life and I am the only one that knows what goes on inside. So for the time being I will go and see her because there is still some unfinished business to take care off.

Anyway looking forward to my holiday!! See you when I get back :)

Caroline xxxx

Thank you!!

This will probably be my last post before my holiday. My friend who goes on holiday with me is arriving tomorrow. She lives in Paris. So won't have much time to post.

Today was a much better day. I feel a bit better and more relaxed and looking forward to my holiday. Uptill now I couldn't be bothered to start packing and thinking about all the things I had to do. A very weird feeling as normally I would be excited weeks in advance. But I am so emotionally drained that everything makes me cry and everything is too much effort. So for me right now it is just to get through the days till Friday.

I have been a real b**** lately and it wasn't very enjoyable for those on the receiving end. So will have to do some apologising as I feel quite bad about it. I couldn't help it at the time but now I realise I shouldn't have said or behaved in the way I did. But when the emotions take over it is very hard to be realistic about stuff. I have been very lucky to have fab friends who understand me and accept that. But have also been horrible to people who do not know me that well. So some apologising is of order...

And also want to thank everyone who has helped me with their supportive comments on here and on WLR. All these comments are very heart warming and make me realise I am not on my own. And that has been a big issue in the last few days - the lonelyness!! I still found it very hard but somehow my head is clearer and am more realistic about life. And I can see the other side of tunnel now..

I still think that a dog would be ideal solution for me. I absolutely love dogs and it would be fab to have one to look after. So when I am back from holiday I have to start looking into that and see what a good dog would be. Any suggestions of which dog is recommended for a "first time dog owner" pls let me know.

So once again a BIG BIG BIG thank you to all you lovely people!!!

Breakfast: Porridge oats, skimmed milk, sunflower seeds and choc whey protein
Snack: Apple
Lunch: Chilli no rice. Desset: 2 Satumas and apple
Pre workout: Banana + nut butter and a protein shake
Post workout: Protein shake
Dinner: Omelette made with 2 eggs and 3 egg whites. Dessert: Grapes
Drinks: 3L water, energy drink and Cafe Latte

Exercise: PT run

Since I started taking magnesium I sleep so much better. I read about it that is promotes healthy sleep. I didn't know that. And because right now my emotions are getting the better me and there my head is buzzing and therefor sleeping is not on the agenda then. So these magnesium tablet are a welcome relief to help me sleep... I have some sleeping tablets but don't really want to take them to often as it gets very addictive.

I played tennis today and burned another 520cal. Very pleased with that! I can feel now that as I get fitter it gets harder to get to these 500 cal. So that is good news! It is just we have to play longer to get to these calories :)

Spoke to a very close friend today about why I am crying all the time. I think one the main problems is the fact that I feel quite lonely. And that is not all that easy to go out there and meet people especially as I am quite shy. It was great talking to her as she knows me quite well and know what works for me. It is a shame that she lives in France. I miss her so much. Anyway we've been talking about me having a dog. I absolutely love dogs. But never had the guts to go and buy one. First because I struggle making decisions and then also I don't know which dog to chose. It would be my first dog so don't want to have one that is too excited. In November my friend and her girlfriend are coming over and then we might have a look at dogs. I think that would be a great thing for me to have a dog. First as it is easier to meet people when walking a dog and it would help my lonelyness. And would be a great company.

Breakfast: Porridge oats, skimmed milk, sunflower seeds and choc whey protein
Lunch: Camembert (a whole one!!) But I loved every single piece of it... Dessert: Pineapple
Snack: Flapjack
Dinner: Broccoli soup and roll (gluten free) with smoked salmon. Dessert: Pineapple
Snack: 3 Oat cakes
Drinks: 3L water

Exercise: Tennis 1.5 hrs

Don't read if you are down....

I feel so emotional and down and all that a week before my holiday. A holiday that I have been longing to for over a year. So I think I should be happy and cheerful. But I am not. And when I look at my life I should feel really happy. I have a job, nice friends, my fitness is getting better, my weightloss is slow but is going downhill and feel much better about myself. But somehow I still focus on the negatives which is no boyfriend among other things. I have been single for too long now and wonder if ever that is going to change. And I know everyone is saying that of course I will find someone. But I am not convinced anymore. So why haven't I met him sofar? How can a boyfriend be the solution of my problems. Because it is not!!! It is like when I have a boyfriend then I am happy again. The thing is I can't say I am not happy as I feel quite content most of the time. But I feel quite lonely coming back home and having nobody here to talk to, hug, kiss,....

Yesterday my PT noticed I wasn't in the best of moods and I just told him that I was annoyed at a few people but didn't want to talk about it. So he asked me what it was and I stupidly said he was one of the things. And it is true. But because I feel so emotionally drained right now every little thing is too much. And so right now I just want to go on holiday clear my head and come back and see if all these little things are still annoying me. And the probably won't be. And that is the reason why I didn't want to talk to him about it. I also told him that I have more than enough of always moaning and complaining about everything. As usually I am not like that. I am a happy person and positive person. Right now you wouldn't think that!! My PT really wanted to know what was wrong and I said that it didn't matter but it did matter to him. I told him that it is not like I want to stop these session. I am still coming back after my holiday so no worries. He told me that because I see him more than anybody else and that I have nobody at home it is normal that I get things off my chest. And he is the one who will hear it. But that my moaning was too bad... Well of course he is going to say that!!

He is been single for 2 weeks and yesterday he said that he has someone else!!! I've been single for so much more longer and I can't meet the right guy. What is wrong with me!!!!? OK I like my PT but not in a sexual way as I don't think he is the right person for me! But I think I would like to meet someone where I have the same interaction and feel confortable as with him. So right now it is all very confusing in my head!! I am more in love in having a boyfriend than really loving him!! But I found it so hard to split the two....

I just want to be happy and positive again. I don't like this. And when I am like I am now then I just want to go into hiding. And wait till it blows over. But I should let it out. That is why I decided to write it on here. And usually I feel better afterwards and at least I have bothered anyone with this. Because in the end my life is not that bad. I have a job, a house, good health, some nice friends, finances are OK too. But still I feel poo.... And I know there so many people worse off and I should be grateful with what I have. But somehow I just focus on what I haven't got.... And it has to stop.

So my holiday comes a just the right time. And I know I will be very excited. Just wished I could go now and not having to wait for another week!!!!

Will go for a run shortly and hopefully that will help to clear my head ....