Thursday, 24 September 2009

OK this is it!!

This is it I am going on holiday!! J So this will be my last post for a while. I am really excited to go but still quite emotional. Still not too sure why. A lot of thoughts and emotions are going through my head. So I hope this holiday will help to deal with all these thoughts and emotions. Because it is very draining and still feel like crying most of the time. So can’t wait to just get on that plane and go…

Right now I don’t know whether I feel like that because of my loneliness or whether it is because of the feelings I might have for someone or whether it is a total different reason. I am someone that likes to know why I am feeling like that. And this is the hardest part that I don’t.

But with all these struggling moments I realise that I have some really good friends that will support me and will still love me regardless of this! And that is a heart warming feeling for me! In the past I always thought I had to be cheerful and funny otherwise people wouldn’t like me!! So being down or struggling didn’t fit into that. So although now I am struggling I feel happy at the same time. Very strange feeling….

Now I am off to a holiday that will definitely put my mind on other things as it will be big adventure. We will never stay in the same place for more than 2-3 days. Just perfect for me!! Not too much time to think about stuff!! So looking forward.

And the other thing is that I’ve been seeing a counsellor for the last 5 years. She has helped me tremendously and now I won’t see her for 5 weeks. So next time I will see her will be the week after my holiday. It is a long time as usually I see her every other week or so. But maybe it is good for me too to see that I can cope without her. Although now I realise that it would be good to see her. She is a bit like my safety blanket and she has kept me sane while I was going totally off the rails.
Some people have already told me that maybe I should stop these sessions with her. I don’t like it when people make comments like that as it is my life and I am the only one that knows what goes on inside. So for the time being I will go and see her because there is still some unfinished business to take care off.

Anyway looking forward to my holiday!! See you when I get back :)

Caroline xxxx

Monday, 21 September 2009

Thank you!!

This will probably be my last post before my holiday. My friend who goes on holiday with me is arriving tomorrow. She lives in Paris. So won't have much time to post.

Today was a much better day. I feel a bit better and more relaxed and looking forward to my holiday. Uptill now I couldn't be bothered to start packing and thinking about all the things I had to do. A very weird feeling as normally I would be excited weeks in advance. But I am so emotionally drained that everything makes me cry and everything is too much effort. So for me right now it is just to get through the days till Friday.

I have been a real b**** lately and it wasn't very enjoyable for those on the receiving end. So will have to do some apologising as I feel quite bad about it. I couldn't help it at the time but now I realise I shouldn't have said or behaved in the way I did. But when the emotions take over it is very hard to be realistic about stuff. I have been very lucky to have fab friends who understand me and accept that. But have also been horrible to people who do not know me that well. So some apologising is of order...

And also want to thank everyone who has helped me with their supportive comments on here and on WLR. All these comments are very heart warming and make me realise I am not on my own. And that has been a big issue in the last few days - the lonelyness!! I still found it very hard but somehow my head is clearer and am more realistic about life. And I can see the other side of tunnel now..

I still think that a dog would be ideal solution for me. I absolutely love dogs and it would be fab to have one to look after. So when I am back from holiday I have to start looking into that and see what a good dog would be. Any suggestions of which dog is recommended for a "first time dog owner" pls let me know.

So once again a BIG BIG BIG thank you to all you lovely people!!!

Breakfast: Porridge oats, skimmed milk, sunflower seeds and choc whey protein
Snack: Apple
Lunch: Chilli no rice. Desset: 2 Satumas and apple
Pre workout: Banana + nut butter and a protein shake
Post workout: Protein shake
Dinner: Omelette made with 2 eggs and 3 egg whites. Dessert: Grapes
Drinks: 3L water, energy drink and Cafe Latte

Exercise: PT run

Sunday, 20 September 2009

Since I started taking magnesium I sleep so much better. I read about it that is promotes healthy sleep. I didn't know that. And because right now my emotions are getting the better me and there my head is buzzing and therefor sleeping is not on the agenda then. So these magnesium tablet are a welcome relief to help me sleep... I have some sleeping tablets but don't really want to take them to often as it gets very addictive.

I played tennis today and burned another 520cal. Very pleased with that! I can feel now that as I get fitter it gets harder to get to these 500 cal. So that is good news! It is just we have to play longer to get to these calories :)

Spoke to a very close friend today about why I am crying all the time. I think one the main problems is the fact that I feel quite lonely. And that is not all that easy to go out there and meet people especially as I am quite shy. It was great talking to her as she knows me quite well and know what works for me. It is a shame that she lives in France. I miss her so much. Anyway we've been talking about me having a dog. I absolutely love dogs. But never had the guts to go and buy one. First because I struggle making decisions and then also I don't know which dog to chose. It would be my first dog so don't want to have one that is too excited. In November my friend and her girlfriend are coming over and then we might have a look at dogs. I think that would be a great thing for me to have a dog. First as it is easier to meet people when walking a dog and it would help my lonelyness. And would be a great company.

Breakfast: Porridge oats, skimmed milk, sunflower seeds and choc whey protein
Lunch: Camembert (a whole one!!) But I loved every single piece of it... Dessert: Pineapple
Snack: Flapjack
Dinner: Broccoli soup and roll (gluten free) with smoked salmon. Dessert: Pineapple
Snack: 3 Oat cakes
Drinks: 3L water

Exercise: Tennis 1.5 hrs

Saturday, 19 September 2009

Don't read if you are down....

I feel so emotional and down and all that a week before my holiday. A holiday that I have been longing to for over a year. So I think I should be happy and cheerful. But I am not. And when I look at my life I should feel really happy. I have a job, nice friends, my fitness is getting better, my weightloss is slow but is going downhill and feel much better about myself. But somehow I still focus on the negatives which is no boyfriend among other things. I have been single for too long now and wonder if ever that is going to change. And I know everyone is saying that of course I will find someone. But I am not convinced anymore. So why haven't I met him sofar? How can a boyfriend be the solution of my problems. Because it is not!!! It is like when I have a boyfriend then I am happy again. The thing is I can't say I am not happy as I feel quite content most of the time. But I feel quite lonely coming back home and having nobody here to talk to, hug, kiss,....

Yesterday my PT noticed I wasn't in the best of moods and I just told him that I was annoyed at a few people but didn't want to talk about it. So he asked me what it was and I stupidly said he was one of the things. And it is true. But because I feel so emotionally drained right now every little thing is too much. And so right now I just want to go on holiday clear my head and come back and see if all these little things are still annoying me. And the probably won't be. And that is the reason why I didn't want to talk to him about it. I also told him that I have more than enough of always moaning and complaining about everything. As usually I am not like that. I am a happy person and positive person. Right now you wouldn't think that!! My PT really wanted to know what was wrong and I said that it didn't matter but it did matter to him. I told him that it is not like I want to stop these session. I am still coming back after my holiday so no worries. He told me that because I see him more than anybody else and that I have nobody at home it is normal that I get things off my chest. And he is the one who will hear it. But that my moaning was too bad... Well of course he is going to say that!!

He is been single for 2 weeks and yesterday he said that he has someone else!!! I've been single for so much more longer and I can't meet the right guy. What is wrong with me!!!!? OK I like my PT but not in a sexual way as I don't think he is the right person for me! But I think I would like to meet someone where I have the same interaction and feel confortable as with him. So right now it is all very confusing in my head!! I am more in love in having a boyfriend than really loving him!! But I found it so hard to split the two....

I just want to be happy and positive again. I don't like this. And when I am like I am now then I just want to go into hiding. And wait till it blows over. But I should let it out. That is why I decided to write it on here. And usually I feel better afterwards and at least I have bothered anyone with this. Because in the end my life is not that bad. I have a job, a house, good health, some nice friends, finances are OK too. But still I feel poo.... And I know there so many people worse off and I should be grateful with what I have. But somehow I just focus on what I haven't got.... And it has to stop.

So my holiday comes a just the right time. And I know I will be very excited. Just wished I could go now and not having to wait for another week!!!!

Will go for a run shortly and hopefully that will help to clear my head ....

Friday, 18 September 2009

Happy Friday!!

I have lost another 400gr. Woohoo!! I want to lose another kilo tby end of next week or as close to it as I can. I am happy as usually when a holiday approaches I give up on my healthy eating. But this time round it is different and it feels good. I have lost 7kg sofar in 4 months. I am quite happy with that results. So that is about 2kg per month. It is not as much as I would like but that I will get there. WLR tells me I will reach my target by march next year. So that is not too bad.

I am so very excited about my holiday. 7 days to go :) My friend who is living in France and who am going on holiday with is arriving on Tuesday. So the holiday kind of starts now. Canada here we come ...

After my holiday I will start training for a triathlon and so hopefully that will keep me on the right path while away. It feels good to have something to look forward to when I am back from holiday.

A friend asked to me a 13mile walk in Windsor but it is the day I come back from holiday so that is not gonna happen. And then she told me the start was at 5.30am!!! I was like "WHAT!?" .. It is still dark at that time. But would like to do something like that one day. Maybe not at that time of the day!!!

Breakfast: Porridge oats, sunflower seeds. skimmed milk and choc whey protein
Snack: Apple
Lunch: Peaches and tuna. Dessert: Melon and red currants
Pre-Workout: Shake + Banana and cashew nut butter
Post Workout: Shake
Dinner: Egg Omelette made with 2 eggs and 3 egg whites + Smoked trout. Dessert: Pineapple
Snack: TBC
Drinks: 1 Cafe Latte, 3L water, Energy drink

Exercise: PT gym session

Sunday, 13 September 2009

Happy again...

Last night spoke to Natasja, best friend, about my shyness in the pub and the guy on this dating site who didn't reply. And it was good to talk to her as she knows me better than anyone else and realise that my shyness is not always a bad thing. After that conversation I realised I am way to harsh on myself and I should take one step at the time and that everything will be fine.

Welcome to my drama world... :)

This morning the guy from the dating site replied and said that he was very sorry but his mum had to go to hospital and he still really wanted to meet up with me. So that was good news. It has really cheered me up again. So we'll see what the next thing will be.

I played tennis with another friend this afternoon. And now my knees are in agony. Every time we played I burn about 500 calories. So now I always tell him that we have to play till I burn that. And it is probably because I am getting fitter but it took me longer to get to these 500 calories. At about 350 I was getting really tired but he felt like carry on and he forced me to play till we got to the 500. Glad we did now... This HRM thing is such a great thing for me to push me otherwise I would have stopped much earlier.

Breakfast: Porridge oats, skimmed milk, sunflower seeds and choc whey protein
Lunch: Omelette made with 2 eggs and 3 egg whites and a gluten free roll and 3 oat cakes. Dessert: pineapple
Snack: Trek flapjack (God I love these!!Much nicer than the nakd bar...)
Dinner: Chicken breast and lentils. Dessert: Grapes
Snack: Not sure yet
Drinks: 3L water

Exercise: 1.5Hr Tennis singles

Saturday, 12 September 2009

Online dating

I have been on an online dating for some time now and right now I think I will stop this for a while or maybe forever. I don't know yet. Reason being is that some men I have been chatting online with often said that they really enjoy chatting to me and that we should meet upp. And when it came down to have something organised they didn't bother replying to emails or messages. And right now I have more than enough of men with no balls. Why on earth would you tell someone that it is great chatting to just to be nice. I don't get it!! So right now I am just gonna stop it for the time being and see what happens. Anyway I am going on holiday in 2 weeks time and then after that will start my triathlon training and will meet people there too. So that is why I want to take a break of it. I know a lot of people that have met their partner onlin but it obviously is not something for me ... or maybe now is not the right moment!! Time will tell... The reason why I was so down for the last few days is probably because of that. I was suppose to go on a date tomorrow and the guy in question hasn't confirmed it yet!!! So am not happy at all about it as I was really looking forward to it... I have enough of crying about it and decided enough is enough. Time to enjoy life and not to be miserable. I feel like I have been moaning and complaining a lot and that is so not like me. This holiday couldn't come at a bette time!!! I cannot wait ... the next 2 weeks are going to be the longest of my life :)

Today went running with my PT and it was great. After the run we went for a coffee and he had a sandwich. It was nice to do that. He keeps paying for this which is nice. It is nice to have a PT that takes care about the social side too!! So in the end it was a total of 2.5hr that I was away with him. 1.15hr running + walking back to the club and I have burned over 700 calories. I was very happy about that... And then in the evening I met with some friends which was very nice too and so my spirits are on the up again....

I realise too that I am emotionally drained right now and cannot cope with too many emotional stuff right now. So that is why this holiday couldn't come at a better time. So after my holiday my posts should be more positive and cheerful and full of zest :)

Thanks for reading!!

Not fun being shy.....

Today was my first night out with the people of my runninclub. I started this runningclub 4-5 weeks ago....
I went out because I knew it was something I had to do. If I didn't go then I probably would regret it. I arrived there and I recognised someone from the running club, Simon and he was there with his wife. I chatted to them the whole time I was there. I am quite shy and never feel confortable to go and chat to people I don't know. I didn't recognise anybody especially as they were all dressed up. I hate it to be so shy and feel so not confident to go and just talk to peopleI don't know. I wish it didn't scare me off like that. My PT was there too and he checked on me at times to see if I was OK - which was nice!
I got home after 2 hours or so of being there and felt so down and started crying. Not too sure why - probably because I was hoping to have a good time. I probably just wanted to be like I am with my friends, bubbly, funny, talkative. They all say that I am good fun to have around. So why can I not be like that with people I don't know!!! GRRRRRR!!

I knew I had to go as otherwise I would probably feel guilty of not going. And I want to meet new people... but how am I gonna meet new people if I am so shy. Right now it doesn't make sense. Maybe I have to go more often to these gathering ... but right now I don't really want to go again.

Oh well at least I went. Thank God I meeting up with some friends tomorrow and Sunday. So that should cheer me up again.

Sorry not a positive post .... but had to get it of my chest!! Tomorrow is another day ...

Friday, 11 September 2009

Pub night + good weight loss this week!!

I have lost 700gr this week. I am very happy about it. So that means I’ve lost the 400gr that I put on last week + an additional 300gr. So it is all going into the right direction. My target is now to lose another 1.5kg before my holiday. So fingers crossed for that!!

Tonight I am going to the pub with the running club. Well I should say suppose to go. I am very nervous about it as I only know 2 people out of 30 or so. And as I am quite shy it feels a bit daunting right now. But if I want to meet people I have no choice than to go. Last night I was quite emotional about it and didn’t want to go at all. But that was also after a couple of bad night sleeps. So because I was very tired I didn’t see the things clearly. Today after a better night sleep I feel more positive but still very nervous. I don’t always understand why I am like that. I could go to the pub and feel totally comfortable and can’t stop talking and laughing but if someone makes me feel uncomfortable then that is over with and will want to hide then. So I hope everything will go well. Hopefully it is all gonna go much better than how I imagine it right now.

Breakfast: Porridge oats, sunflower seeds, skimmed milk and choc whey protein
Snack: Apple
Lunch: Couscous, prawns, tomatoes and béarnaise sauce (I could have béarnaise with absolutely everything :)). Dessert: Melon
Snack: Trek Cherry Crunch flapjack (absolutely love these)
Pre-workout: Protein shake + banana and cashew nut butter
Post workout: Banana Protein shake
Dinner: Porridge (same as breakfast. I couldn't be bothered to cook and also didn't have much time as am going to the pub. Gosh I am so very nervous ... GRRRRRR!!!

Drinks: 3L water, 1 coffee latte and energy drink. Drinks at the pub – don’t know yet what these gonna be.

Exercise: Gym session with PT

Thursday, 10 September 2009

Update on Runningclub

Yesterday was runningclub day again. After talking to my PT about how unhappy I was with it. I was a bit apprehensive on what action, if any, would have been taken! And if he took my complaining/moaning seriously. Well I can say that I could see a big change and I felt like part of the group and the leader made sure everyone was following. So I was very pleased with that!! A lot more people were there than previous time and I am happy to say that I was not the last one. Actually there were at least 4-5 people behind me! So it kind of made me go faster I think. So the last part of the run I went along with some other girls and they ran just a bit faster than me but I was able to keep up with them. Well just about! At the end I couldn't feel my legs anymore. And then I looked at my HRM and I was shocked. I burned about 834cal. I never burned that much in one session. So although I was totally exhausted I could not stop smiling. I was such a happy bunny yesterday!! Now I will probably look forward to the running club again as opposed to last few weeks where I didn't really want to go.

But then when I got home I was so shattered that I couldn't bother preparing something to eat so just had some oat cakes and Trek flapjack and some fruit. I really struggle to eat something or preparing something after the runningclub. Often once I am back and had a shower it is often after 9pm and then I don't want to eat to much as I won't have time to digest it before going to bed. So have to find something for that. Still getting used to my new routine especially with the runningclub.

And now I am going on holiday for 2 weeks. And obviously I very very excited. I am also nervous how I will cope foodwise. As so far I did found my routine that worked for me. And will be messed up while on holiday. But I can't have that ruin my holiday. Funny how before I wouldn't worry about these things and now this is the first thing I am thinking about. With my friend who is also a runner we have decided to book hotels with fitness or pool. And I will take my skipping rope with me too!!

Breakfast: Porridge oats, sunflower seeds, skimmed milk, choc whey protein
Snack: Apple
Lunch: Chilli no rice. Dessert: Melon
Snack: 100gr yoghurt, blueberries, strawberries,ed currant and vanilla whey protein
Dinner: Porridge (same as breakfast). Dessert: Peach and Nectarine
Snack: 4 Ricecakes
Drinks: 1 Cafe atte, 3L water

Exercise: None

Tuesday, 8 September 2009

17 days ...

17 days to my holiday ... when thinking about it I can't stop smiling! I haven't been on a holiday like that for such a long time. It is going to be a big adventure. And I so cannot wait!! So the countdown has officially begun now :)

I saw my PT today and it was a very good session. We went for a run and I burned over 600 calories in one hour. I was very happy about it because lately we only got to 500 so good improvement there. On Friday all those from the runningclub are going to the pub in Windsor. And my PT asked me if I was going to come too. At first I thought well I don't really know a lot of people there and as I am quite shy when I don't know people ... I wasn't too sure about it. But because he kind of insisted for me to go I might as well go. I am not gonna find my boyfriend by staying home either!!! So now have decided that I will go!! Wish me luck :)

Today decided to cut out my cafe latte that I so love. But want to find out whether I drink out of habit and can I miss it. Today I didn't have it and I am fine. I only have one coffee latte a day so not too sure whether it makes such a big difference to have it or not. But I know that coffee makes your retain water. So hopefully I can keep it up till my holiday.

Breakfast: Porridge oats, skimmed milk, sunflower seeds and choc whey protein
Snack: Apple
Lunch: Couscous with mixed pulses, cucumber, feta cheese. Dessert: Mango
Snack: 100gr yoghurt with blueberries, strawberries and red currant and vanilla whey protein
Pre Workout: Protein shake and Banana with cashew nut butter
Post Workout: Protein shake
Dinner: Omelette made with 2 eggs and 2 egg whites with smoked salmon. Dessert: Peach and Nectarine
Snack: 3 oat cakes
Drinks: 3L water & Energy drink

Exercise; Run with PT

Sunday, 6 September 2009

I am happy that I feel like my old self again. I feel my head is clear again and I can deal now with everything that life will throw at me. Unlike last week every little thing made me cry and get irritated. Yes I know that what PMT does to you but gosh I just would like to be guy just for then... :)

Anyway this morning played tennis with a friend. It was good fun. But am such a slow starter especially when we start to play in the morning ... well morning it was 11 but still couldn't get going. I am like a diesel that needs time to warm and once there then it is great. It is the same when I go running. But after that 30 min I played really well and it was such good fun and burned about 500cal so quite pleased with it all! But after that I felt like my legs were gonna fall off. I might have done a bit too much this week. Not too sure really. But I have done something of Cardio every single day. I feel really so good about doing that.

On Saturday I was running with my PT and I was telling him that when I go to the runningclub I don't finish the run - this is what happened last week. Then I feel like I failed. And he told me that I shouldn't think like that. Even only half a run is better than nothing. And I know he is right but my brain doesn't function like that at the moment. And I found it hard to be happy when I don't finish something off completely. I know I am too harsch on myself but for me it is hard not to be...

And then this afternoon I have done some washing, ironing (that I was suppose to do for the last weeks) and then made some delicious spinach soup and also a chilli. So now I have no excuse to eat bread at lunch. As this my tummy does not like bread at all!! I am so happy that I cut that out of my diet. Some of my friends told me that I was too extreme with it but now I see how unhappy my tummy is with this. So now I know for a fact that I have made the right decision.

And another good news ... I will go on a date hopefully this week!! Looking forward to it. I've been chatting to this guy online and it was a lot of fun. Will keep you posted ....

Breakfast: Porridge oats, sunflower seeds, skimmed milk and choc whey protein
Snack: Apple
Lunch: Oat cakes with philly light. Dessert: Cherries
Snack: Flapjack cherry
Dinner: Lentils and sausage. Dessert: Grapes
Snack: not too sure
Drinks: 4L water, 1/2 glass of wine (the rest I have used in my chilli :))

Exercise: 1.20hr Tennis singles

Saturday, 5 September 2009

Normal service has resumed ... :)

I start to be myself again after a week where my emotions got the better of me. And it didn't feel like it was me but someone else.

I am very grateful for the people on WLR who have given me great advise and support. And even one person give me a good kick in backside ... and that was exactly what I needed. Now my hormones are back were they are suppose to be and hopefully will stay there for a while!! So today I feel so much more positive and happy with myself. I can definitely see some changes in my bodyshape and some more definition. And that feels so great. All the efforts are worth in the end. Especially as last week I was about to give up on all my PT training, runningclub, triathlon. Now I am more motivated to carry on and start my training for a triathlon.

Yesterday I did talk to my PT about the runningclub as he is running it. I told him about my struggles and unhappiness about it and that things have to change. And we tried to see how we could change it. And I was very happy that he is a very open in changing things when they are not working. I was going to talk about it with him as for the last 6 months or so I have been complaining not so much about him or his sessions but more about my health as I have been struggling, my social life that wasn't like I want it to be and my work which I don't like too much. So didn't want to now moan about the runningclub. But as he was the one bringing it up I didn't feel so bad anymore. And now I feel so relieved that I got it off my chest. Because I can moan about it to everyone but if I don't tell the person who can change it then nothing will happen. So yes glad this week is over and now I can just chill and relax and admire my new found body ... HAHAHAHA Still a long way to go but so happy with results so far... I almost start to feel skinnier...

I will post my food on here a bit later. I don't know yet what I will have later on....

Thursday, 3 September 2009

I so desperate need to get away. Every year it is the same story. I get totally fed up with everything at this time of the year. Probably because the summer is coming to an end and maybe because I haven't been aways for 3 months. I never tend to go away then as I found it too expensive. So now I am so totally fed up with everything and I am so emotional. It is unbelievable!! My next holiday is in 4 weeks. And I hear you saying that it is going to be here in no time.And deep down I probably know that but right now it is no consolation.

Last night went to the running club and didn't enjoy it as the weather was torrential. After just a few minutes I was totally soaked. And since I am struggling at the back end of the group I got so fed up, frustrated,.... that I decided to go back. My running partner totally agreed and both of us went back. I was so furious that there was no leader in sight of anyone for that matter. And I thought it was totally out of order. But my running partner didn't make much of it. And then after getting some comments and advice from people on WLR I realised that my emotions were getting the better of me!!

Because I am very much a black or white type of girl.... I wanted to stop the running club, my personal trainer, any attempt to train for a triatlon,... but talking to a friend I realised that this was very silly. And that I have to carry on as I feel so much better for it. And if I didn't do the exercise part I would really go down the depressed route and that obviously I don't want!!

My diet is all over the place right now and I can't even be bothered with it! I gave up bread 3 months ago and I was fine and didn't miss it!! Well since 2-3 days I've had sandwiches with egg mayo and felt incredibly bloated and didn't even enjoy it!! I won't put my food down as my fruit/veg count is shocking!!
My weight has stayed the same so that is still good. Right now it is a bit of a struggle and feel sorry for myself!! I know a bit silly but can't help it....
Hopefully this feeling will go soon as I don't really like it!!

But on a positive note I found the joy of skipping! And I absolutely love it and feel like a little girl again :) So as long as I keep exercising I am sure my weight will remain the same and maybe even lose a bit!! Right now I have to get my head in the right frame of mind. Any suggestions....

Hopefully my next post will be full of positive vibes... ;)