Saturday, 19 September 2009

Don't read if you are down....

I feel so emotional and down and all that a week before my holiday. A holiday that I have been longing to for over a year. So I think I should be happy and cheerful. But I am not. And when I look at my life I should feel really happy. I have a job, nice friends, my fitness is getting better, my weightloss is slow but is going downhill and feel much better about myself. But somehow I still focus on the negatives which is no boyfriend among other things. I have been single for too long now and wonder if ever that is going to change. And I know everyone is saying that of course I will find someone. But I am not convinced anymore. So why haven't I met him sofar? How can a boyfriend be the solution of my problems. Because it is not!!! It is like when I have a boyfriend then I am happy again. The thing is I can't say I am not happy as I feel quite content most of the time. But I feel quite lonely coming back home and having nobody here to talk to, hug, kiss,....

Yesterday my PT noticed I wasn't in the best of moods and I just told him that I was annoyed at a few people but didn't want to talk about it. So he asked me what it was and I stupidly said he was one of the things. And it is true. But because I feel so emotionally drained right now every little thing is too much. And so right now I just want to go on holiday clear my head and come back and see if all these little things are still annoying me. And the probably won't be. And that is the reason why I didn't want to talk to him about it. I also told him that I have more than enough of always moaning and complaining about everything. As usually I am not like that. I am a happy person and positive person. Right now you wouldn't think that!! My PT really wanted to know what was wrong and I said that it didn't matter but it did matter to him. I told him that it is not like I want to stop these session. I am still coming back after my holiday so no worries. He told me that because I see him more than anybody else and that I have nobody at home it is normal that I get things off my chest. And he is the one who will hear it. But that my moaning was too bad... Well of course he is going to say that!!

He is been single for 2 weeks and yesterday he said that he has someone else!!! I've been single for so much more longer and I can't meet the right guy. What is wrong with me!!!!? OK I like my PT but not in a sexual way as I don't think he is the right person for me! But I think I would like to meet someone where I have the same interaction and feel confortable as with him. So right now it is all very confusing in my head!! I am more in love in having a boyfriend than really loving him!! But I found it so hard to split the two....

I just want to be happy and positive again. I don't like this. And when I am like I am now then I just want to go into hiding. And wait till it blows over. But I should let it out. That is why I decided to write it on here. And usually I feel better afterwards and at least I have bothered anyone with this. Because in the end my life is not that bad. I have a job, a house, good health, some nice friends, finances are OK too. But still I feel poo.... And I know there so many people worse off and I should be grateful with what I have. But somehow I just focus on what I haven't got.... And it has to stop.

So my holiday comes a just the right time. And I know I will be very excited. Just wished I could go now and not having to wait for another week!!!!

Will go for a run shortly and hopefully that will help to clear my head ....

4 comments:

No longer a weight watcher said...

hey ducky,
I hope you are ok? you have done really well so far, you are doing so well with your weight loss.I understand that you are down by your singledom but honestly someone will come along when you least expect it,trust me.Supermarkets and gyms are good for singles(or so im told!).

Keep going, you have done fab so far(and a fab holiday to look forward to)

Big hugs to you xxx

Caroline said...

Thank you so much!! I feel better now afte my run and also after having written down. It is very therapeutic! Wasn't sure if someone would read it!!

I will definitely enjoy my holiday!

Caroline xxx

beforeandforever said...

Have a lovely holiday, enjoy the relaxation and take time out to think about you - it will probably change your view on things. See you when you get back!

Edna x

Chocolatebutton said...

You will see evrything differently when you get back from Hols - you will meet Mr Right at the right time x dont be down chick you have been doing so well - hugs xxx