Had a very busy day at work today. It always seems that Friday is the busiest day of all. And that is the one day that I just want to wind down and be ready for the w-e! :)

Was suppose to go running yesterday but didn't get round to it. Or better I couldn't be asked to get changed... So there goes my 6x exercising this week. But hey 5x is pretty good too!! Tonight I am going out with the Canadian gang again. It is funny how now I am more nervous than last week... I always think that my shyness will come in the way of meeting people but last week went very well. So not too sure why there are so many nerves today.

Tomorrow I am going on a date. It will be the first time we meet. It could be that I am nervous because of that. So we'll see! I am looking forward to seeing him though... but it is always a bit nerveracking when you meet for the first time!! Will report on my date later on....

So have decided not to weigh myself every day anymore. I just don't want to be hung up on these numbers. So will try to weigh myself once a month or so. I was suppose to weigh today but didn't and don't feel anxious about it or that I miss something! So hopefully it will stay like this.

Hope you all have a good w-e!

xxx

Numbers...

Lately I have found myself struggling with numbers regarding weightloss, bodyfat,... And it is something I never want to admit to myself as I thought everything was find. But now I have realised that it does bother me when the scales are not going down, that my body fat is still at 40% and so on...

Now my sessions with my PT are getting much tougher. So the result is that the scales also show that. When I weight myself the day after a weight session then I will definitely have put on some weight. And I know the reason why. But somehow this morning I had enough of weighing myself every day and being disappointed about the numbers not always going the way I want them to go. So I decided that I shouldn't get hung up on these numbers all the time and stop using the scales.

My main goal is still to get to 70kg. But that is right now such a long way off and don't want to focus on that. That is too depressing. A lot of people will tell you that it is how your clothes feel that is the main thing. And they are right. So will have to focus on that and my fitness. I have decided to exercise 6 times a week. I am still on target for this week. And as long as I do that the weight has to come off at some point. Maybe not when I want it go but it will go off. It is such a tricky thing these numbers thing ... But I have to get away of that as it is not helping me and there is more to life than numbers.

The other thing is that my social life has picked up quite a bit. So going out all the time is not going to help my weightloss. But on the other hand it makes me so much happier inside. And I am not going to put my life on hold because I want to weigh 70kg. That is soooo wrong. It might take me longer to get there but I will get there!! And the day I do I will have a massive party and invite everyone who has helped me along the way ... So you will be all invited !! :)

Food:
Breakfast: Porridge, skimmed milk, sunflower seeds and chocolate whey protein
Snack: Apple
Lunch: Lentil soup. Dessert: Pear
Snack: 100gr yoghurt, strawberries, red currants and vanilla whey
Dinner: To be decided later. Not sure yet.
Drinks: 1 Cafe Latter, 3L water

Exercise: Run

A few days ago a good friend send me belgian chocolates - the ones I love!! I said previously that I was going to keep them for a month. Well I am not doing well at all on that front as almost half of what I received I've already eaten... Not good! I know I am a chocolate monster and once I have them in the house then it is like an urge for me to eat them. There is not such thing as keeping it for another day... If I don't have them I am fine. It is not like I desperately need them! So now I am convinced it must be in my head... As I can honestly not have any piece of chocolates for months and I am fine... So what is it??? Well I've no idea... I thought now I would be able to master my chocolate urge... but NO is the answer!! But as I am enjoying it so much I am not prepared to give them up.

So decided that I have to exercise more when I have choccies!! So this week I will be exercising 6 times a week. First for all the choccies I already have and will have and the other reason is that there is no way that my PT is going to put me on this treadmill if I don't achieve any results by the end of November. A friend told me that 6x a week is a lot. It might be for some people but untill my holiday I was exercising about 4-5 times a week. So this is just once more in that week. But now that my sessions with my PT are much tougher I might have to review that. I just want to try it and see if I can do it. And if not I will go back to 5x a week.

Foodwise is still not great! I can't seem to get going in eating more veggies. I still eat more than enough fruit. And every week I tell myself that I have to eat more veggies. But sofar it hasn't gone into my brain yet! Maybe next week :)

On Sunday my best friend, her partner and the dog are coming over for a visit and staying with me for a few weeks. I am not too sure for how long. But I am so excited to see them again. They live in the South West of France and the last time I saw them was back in May. And my friend's partner is such a great cook. I am sure I won't have to worry about eating enough veggies then :) This is going to be such a luxury. I jsut have to buy the stuff and tell her what I want and she will cook it!!! Love it - Love it - love it!! :)

xxxx

This morning...

So after my chat with my PT on Saturday I decided that I should exercise 6 times a week. So my day off will be on the Friday. Yesterday I was so shattered from my busy busy w-e I didn't go for a run. I didn't have much energy at al. So I did squats, lunges, arm dips, planks and starjumps - 3 sets of all. When I was out with my PT we did go to a sportshop and I bought some new running shoes. I had them on yesterday and am very happy with them. I wanted pink ones but didn't have tham so decided to buy them in puple/lilac type of color.

This morning set my alarm for 7am (1hr before I am usually get up) to go for a run as I wouldn't ahve time to do it tonight. My alarm went off and was debating for 10-15 min whether I should go for a run or not! But then I decided as I am awake I can aswell just go. So off I went and ran for 30min. I am very happy with myself. Especially as I am so not a morning person. And exercising at 7am is not something I would do!! I always thought that it was for dedicated people and I never thought I was one of them!! Now I am here sitting at work and my legs are quite sore! But I feel very happy and proud of myself that I've done it!! It is not something I will do every morning but when I can't exercise in the evening I will get up early and do it then! What a change in attitude for me!! I think the chat with my PT has spurred me on to exercise more as I definitely don't want to go on this treadmill ever again!!!! Just say the word treadmill and I will get up at 7am to go for a run :)

I wanted to do things differently after my holiday. Well that is one of the many things I am doing differently. And I feel great so will carry on doing it!!

Hope you all have a good Monday!!

xxx

FAB night out!

Last night went out with these Canadian people I talked about it my blog. Well I had such a fab fab fab night. There are so friendly and funny. They made me feel so comfortable from the moment I got there. I was stuck in traffic so arrived an hour late. Not the best thing when you meet people for the first time. So was quite stressed ... But that quickly disappeared and haven't stopped laughing for most of the night. They told me that they expect me to see now every Friday and that I should bring stuff to stay over so if I am too tired or pissed I can stay at their place. I found this so very nice. It was just great that I was able to feel so comfortable with people that I've never met before. What a difference when I went out to the pub with the running club where I felt so out of place!!!

So when I got back home I was on such a high couldn't stop smiling. And it took me ages to wind down and go to bed. So in the end turned off my light at 2.30am..... :)

Then this morning I had a run with my PT. It was good. I burned about 760 in 1.20hr. So was very impressed with that. It is the most I've burned in one session running. So happy bunny!!

Then we went for a coffee and finished off my chat with him. And I was very happy of how he reacted and he has set me some goals such as aiming to reduce my time for my 5K to anything under 34min. We will do more sprint where you go flat out. So I suppose it is going to be like this HIIT that a lot of people are raving about. He told me too that I should do the Santa run at the end of November. It is a 5K run. He wants me to do the bleep test (not sure if that is what it is called...). That is apparantly a good way to measure your fitness.

And he is going to measure me on a monthly basis. And when I have good result then I will get a treat such a massage from him. And if I don't do well he will put me on the treadmill. That is definitely the worst thing. I so hate this piece of equipment. Just the thought of it makes me grumpy!!!! But that will motivate me even more... So all in all the chat went very well and I was still on a high from my evening out and then my great run and all the goals set. So couldn't ask for more .... untill he measured me!!!!!!

He did all the measurement with his caliper. And then the result was that I had 40% fat!!! I was so disappointed. Almost half of me is still fat... I know you shouldn't get hung up on numbers. But somehow I still do!! Some lovely people on WLR have made me realize that I was doing well and that these calipers are not 100% accurate. And that the most important thing is that I see the difference in the mirror and feel it in my clothes. And they were so right!! So want to thank them to cheer me up again!! :) The glass is half full and not half empty....

Now I am going out again. And I am really looking forward to that evening out. These are some of my closed friends and I will get lots of hugs... I can't wait for that!! :) And lots of food and drinks... Not the best thing but haven't eaten much as didn't have much time. And after my big run today I deserve it. And will enjoy every single minute of it!!! :)

And today my closest friend in Belgium has send me some of my favorite Belgian chocolates. Yum Yum.... Hope will still have some left by the end of this month and won't eat them in one go!!!! So that is another goal to still have some left by the end of November. Now hopefully that I've put it in black and white it will help me stay motivated....

All these goals I have all of a sudden!!

xxxxxxx

Right now everything is going well. And I am so used to have lots of stuff going so this feel really weird. My life is a constant rollercoaster of emotions. When this happens I usually create little stories in my head to keep my head busy and often I argue with people in my head. I know it probably sound silly but that is what I do. It is like that when everything is quite something is not right. And it is not that I am expecting something to happen. No right now I feel good and quite happy with myself. I know it is not going to last but that is OK. I treasure these moments where everything goes well. And for that I have to thank all of you and my friends that support me. I don't feel on my own anymore.

Jobwise it is not great but things might change soon ... hopefully! So we'll see... So now I focus on my time outside of work and make the most of it.

I am glad that my relationship with my trainer is back to normal. I still have a few things to tell him and will do that on Saturday. I'm not looking forward to it as I hate confrontation and usually would do everything to avoid them. But now I can't. And I know I have to clear the air so it is all out in the open. My trainer already told me that he was happy we told about stuff. So that should make it easy and he knows I haven't finished. And once that is out of the way I can just focus on the training and not think about this conversation we are going to have.

I feel my head is clear again and can just enjoy life again which is a big relief.

Food is OK. Definitely not how it should be but that will come when it will click in my head. I'm still not eating crap or junk but not enough veggies. As I love fruit I have enough of them. Today I had porridge for breakfast and dinner... Today was the first time I had it warm. Usually I just have it cold with milk, seeds and whey protein and I love it. Well I had it warm today and it was ok. But am not too sure how much milk I am suppose to use. It is more filling than having it cold. So might have it again!! I actually love porridge...

xxxxx

PT

Just back from my session with my PT. And I wasn't looking forward to it at all. But it went quite well.

I told him that the sessions have to be tougher as otherwise it is a waste of money. And also told him that the exercises I do have to be right for me and not just picking some machine that is free. He was very surprised when I said that. As that was totally not how he felt. I also told him that the session last week was the thoughest I had. And he couldn't believe it. But he knows I wouldn't lie about it or not just say things for the sake of it!! I also mentioned that he has to be as motivated as I am about losing weight and toning up. And that he doesn't just do it for the money. Whether he agrees or not I leave that up to him. I just had to vent my frustrations and let him know. So now I've done my bit and that is the only thing I can expect from myself. It is out in the open so it is up to him now to do something about it. And after the session we had today ... Goodness me!! That was one big though session...

But I am happy with how he reacted to everything I threw at him. In the end he is very open for changes. It is just a shame that I had to confront him with it for him to realize I wasn't happy. It would have been nice if it would have come from him!!! And I think that is the problem I had with it. OK there are the emotions attached to it too. But hey I managed them very well today. So very happy indeed...

There are still a few things that I have to tell him. But he told me that Saturday we will go for a run and then for a coffee. So that will be my moment to tell him the rest that I need to get of my chest. He knows I am someone that needs to say it when there is a problem. Otherwise I will get irritated with him for something totally unrelated with the issue... So yes right now all is good...

I have been worrying all day about this. I am someone who absolutely hates confrontation. I would avoid it any cost. But glad it is all out and that it didn't end up in a big discussion but just about talking about it. It didn't feel such a big issue anymore...

I still have to sort out my food. This is not going great right now! I am not eating naughty stuff but just don't make a lot of efforts and my veggies count is way down. Nowhere where it is supposed to be!! Have to do something about it. But have such a busy week this week... So it will be for next week.

xxx

My blog is called "Caroline's diet blog" and the last few entries have been everything except "diet" but more "emotions"... :) Oh well my emotions often get the better of me and it is a good release to write in down in my blog. And to get lovely support messages is just great! So will keep talking about my emotions and how I feel..

Yesterday I spoke to a close friend about my life ... hehe what else?? Well especially how to change it. As right now I am not very happy in my job and then not having a boyfriend is not going to help. Usually if you like your job the rest of life is good too but for me as my job is not great the rest of my life suffers from that too. But now have decided that I have to change the things that I can change. So at the moment can't change anything about the job situation except that I am looking for one. I was more talking about my life outside of work. Now I don't want the negative feelings surrounding my job to take over my personal life. So now will do more during evenings and w-e so have the feeling that I have my life back. As before my holiday I was often just vegetating at home and that was part of the problem. So here is the new me... take control of my life and destiny!! I hope I will keep this attitude for a long time.

Tomorrow I will see my PT again and not looking forward to it as he messed with my feelings and I don't like that! I think he crossed a line that should never have crossed. And I let that happen so he is not the only one to blame for that.. But I have to stop it right there and right now. Not easy...
I have been wondering if I should just stop these sessions with him but have to say that he is a good trainer. And he will get me where I want to be. So from now on I have to see this as a business relationship and keep all the emotions out of it!! Not very easy to do especially as I am a very emotional person. But hey we will see how it will goes. I have been thinking about go to a female PT (the one that replaces my PT when he can't)but as I mentioned a while back I don't like to have a female PT (Sorry Choccy!! Not meant in a sexist way at all but you already know that :)). So for the time being I will carry on with him and also I have paid him to the next few sessions so will go till the end of that and then will re-assess the situation. Maybe that is going to motivate me to push me harder so once I get to where I want I can stop these PT sessions and look for something different to do!! It will have to be in a group as that will motivate me. I am not that type of person who can motivate herself. It has never worked in the past ...

Another one of my non diet related posts :)

xxxxx

400 steps...

When I was in Quebec we had to climb the 400 steps to get into the town centre. And before we started we thought 400 steps !?! that is just ridiculous. But off we went and we were at the top of the 400 before we realised it!

So today decided to do the 400 steps but on my stairs in my house. I counted them and there were 13steps. So i did 33 times and woohoo I've done my 400 steps. I did them in 3 sets as I won't have been able to do it in one go and is pretty boring to do in one go. I was very happy with myself. I also did squats; lunges, arms, planks. And I burned 300 calories and 50% of that was fat. Never burned so much fat in one session. So all in all a very good workout and very pleased now. I am off for some clothes shopping as my wardrobe is pretty empty now! :) Haven't decided where I will go probably go to the Oracle in Reading. I haven't been there for years. Now that I fit in a 14 size I should be able to find plenty of clothes!!

I am amazed that I got straight into my exercise routine after my holiday. Probably what has helped is that I saw my PT the first day back and that has kept me in the right frame of mind ... at least what my exercise routine is concerned. My food is still not how I want it to be but the good news is that I have lost the 1kg I put during holiday. So I can't really complain about it.

So all is well in my little drama world :)

Hope you all have a great Sunday!

xxx

So happy it is w-e and I can sleep and sleep and sleep more!! I am still recovering from my jet lag. I can't believe it is taking that long to recover from it!

Today saw my counselor after a break of 6 weeks. This is the longest break I had since I started my sessions with her. And so much has happened that I forgot actually where to start. Especially as now I feel much happier again. And also writing stuff down in my blog helps to release all the emotional stress/tension (or however you want to call it!) so I kind of forgot all that happened. I even forgot how bad I felt before my holiday. This is the new ME! Doing things differently as I definitely don't want to be in the same position as before my holiday. My head feels free of all issues and it feels I can just enjoy life again :)

Went for a 5K run this afternoon in 34 min... not very fast but I really enjoyed it! Now at least I have something to work from. My aim is to do this under 30min. There is some hard work to do there :) I love this colder weather for the running. It is so refreshing to go out! I prefer this than when it is much warmer...

Next week am gonna see some of my closest friends and can't wait to see them and get loads of hugs!! They always make me feel special, gorgeous and beautiful!! Sorry sound cheesy ... but they really make you feel special and getting all these hugs is just fab!! I love hugs...

I found this lovely ice cream. It is Greek yogurt with honey and almonds. It is absolutely gorgeous. Wasn't sure when I bought it. And it was only 126 cal for 100gr... just enough for me!

Yum Yum Yum Yum

More positive today ...

Feeling much better today. My head is clearer and my spirits are up again. But I am still very tired. The jetlag is really taking its toll. It is taking much longer than I ever imagined. But hey one more day to go after this one and then I can have a major lie in! Can't wait for that!

I have this funny (is probably not the right way to describe it!) feeling that my life is going to change radically for the better. So that nothing will be like before. It is really strange but in a way I love it. As I am definitely up for something different. I keep thinking about what it might be. It is like now I am ready to make change and now waiting for the changes to come to me. I already feel that my focus has changed from before my holiday.

One thing that I don't like is routine... And I am sure I won't be the only one feeling like that after a holiday where there was no routine whatsoever. Loved it to just get up and discover the world!! Was bliss :)
I also realise that you need a routine in life but this is not much fun! So have to find a way of making it exciting and fun!! Unfortunately can't change the time I start work or see my PT and stuff like that but everythign else has to be more exciting ... Any ideas?

I will start with writing my food down from next week as this week is not very good. I eat a lot of fruit and have a soup but apart from that the veggies are very low and in the evening I am too tired to cook. As I haven't much on this w-e I will cook some meals and freeze them.

xxx

Every year around the time my dad died I feel the same way. I am crying all the time without any obvious reason, I can't be bothered with anything, at work everything is too much and am so not motivated and I don't even care if I lose my job. Obviously in a few days, maybe even tomorrow, I will feel totally different. This is what they call is part of the mourning process. But fun is something else!! I know it is good to cry to let it out but at work they wonder what is going on. And I am not the one that will talk to people at work about it. I found it already hard enough to tell my friends this so let alone my colleagues ... who to be honest couldn't care less!! Or at least my colleagues...

I didn't want this to be a negative post because I still feel blessed to have had the dad I had. It is just hard to miss him like that!! But I'd rather have it that way and remember the great times we had than the opposite.

Was talking to a colleague about my holidays and stuff and then she mentioned that every friday night she is going out with whoever wants to come to Ealing. She is Canadian and the people going are most of them also Canadian. And she told me if I wanted to join them I am more than welcome. Well that has cheered me up! It would be good to do that every Friday and see new faces. Just what I need! Now I just have to face my shyness fears to meet new people... It is the same thing all over every time I go somewhere I don't know people. But that is the only way I will meet people and hopefully meet the man of my dreams :) And I know Canadian people are very nice people and very open so hopefully that will help me feel confortable with them... Will let you know how it went....

Foodwise it is still not great as am not eating a lot of veggies. But now I just want to get used to being back and get my routine back. As now it is all over the place. Will be good when it is all back to normal. My sleeping pattern is not great either but that I don't know whether it is because of the jetlag of my dad. So hopefully by the end of the week everything should be OK!!

xxxx

Miss you dad....

Today I feel a bit sad as it is the day that my dad died 6 years ago. And I remember the phone call I got from my sister to tell me and all the emotional stress that followed. But on the other hand I know he is happy there and I feel blessed to have had a dad like him. I was very much a daddy's girl and miss him very much. I know he didn't want to grow old and that his children would have to look after him and he was very worried about that. And just for that reason I am happy for him that he doesn't have to go through that! But it still hurts not to have him here anymore and hear his voice and how happy he always was to see me. But then again I have great memories of him that I will treasure for the rest of my life! And that is more important than wondering what could have been ... I can't change anything to the situation but I just want him to be proud of me!!!

xxxx

I'm back ....

And yes … I am back from my fab holiday. Just what I needed. Before my holiday I was so down, emotional,… and now I feel so good and positive. I was able to totally switch off and forget about everything back home and everything that got me so irritated before my holiday. Today I am still in a holiday mood. And can’t stop smiling while people here at work are stressed and grumpy!! Amazing what a fab holiday can do to you! :)

A bit more about my trip now … I went with my friend B on holiday. We have been on holiday before and we fell out for several reason but more because there were 3 of us and she felt left out. We patched up everything since then and have become really good friends. Although all this falling out was in the past it was still in the back of our minds and we openly admitted it!
We had so much fun. It was like 2 silly teenagers going on holiday. And we laughed for the simplest of things.

Just to give you an idea of your big adventure … here is the itinerary:
Montreal – stayed there 3 nights. The longest we stayed at one place :)
Drive to Niagara Falls and stay over one night
Visit the Niagara Falls and drive in the afternoon to Toronto. Stay in Toronto just for the night.
Visit Toronto just for the day. Way to short but we didn’t have enough time to stay longer as we had a busy schedule ahead. I loved that city. There was so much going on.
Drive to Quebec. Had to do an overnight stay on the way as it was too long to do it in one go.
Arrive at Quebec and stayed overnight. Visited the city and left the next day. It is a very nice town and people are so very friendly. There really are interested in how you are and not about the weather and stuff :)
Next day drove to Tadoussac to see the whales and black bears. We went on a cruise trip and saw some whales. It was fab. And then in the afternoon we went to see the black bears. Fab fab fab … love them!!
Then for the next 3 days we drove through la Gaspésie which is a beautiful countryside. The weather wasn’t great so we didn’t manage to do everything we wanted but the colours were absolutely gorgeous.
Then back to Montreal for the night as we were to Boston by coach. Yes by coach … an 11 hour journey!! I thought we would never get there. That was actually the only day that we didn’t do any type of exercise.
We stayed in Boston for 2 night. It is a great city with lots to do and people are still quite friendly. Although I prefer the Canadian people…
And then back to London :-( :-( I so didn’t want to go back home. I loved it there so much… But that is a good sign too as it means I totally chilled out and can face all the challenges ahead!! So now you have an idea of the things I’ve done.

Food wise I didn’t have too much bread and tried to go for chicken/fish with veggies rather than the cheese or greasy option. I had bread one day for breakfast and lunch and was totally blocked up and couldn’t go the loo so stopped eating that!!

Exercise wise we walked a lot every single day except the day that we travelled to Boston. We went running 5 times during our trip which is great as it is something I have never done in my previous holiday. One day we even went for a run at 7am … you have to know that I am not a morning person at all and for me exercising at that time doesn’t come in the equation usually. But we wanted to go running and that was the only time we could it that day!!

This morning when I went on the scales I was happily surprised that I only put on 1 kilo during my 2 weeks holiday. Very impressed with myself. Although I haven’t really looked to be good all the exercising much be the key and no bread too… We still had a few glasses of wine every night and lots of sweeties (pick ‘n mix type of things). I only have these sweets when I am on holiday. So maybe now I have found the recipe to go on holiday and not ruin my hard work.

Finally a positive post after my quite negative post before my holiday … Feeling good right now. I hope it will last :)

I hope you are all well

xxxxxx