Every year around the time my dad died I feel the same way. I am crying all the time without any obvious reason, I can't be bothered with anything, at work everything is too much and am so not motivated and I don't even care if I lose my job. Obviously in a few days, maybe even tomorrow, I will feel totally different. This is what they call is part of the mourning process. But fun is something else!! I know it is good to cry to let it out but at work they wonder what is going on. And I am not the one that will talk to people at work about it. I found it already hard enough to tell my friends this so let alone my colleagues ... who to be honest couldn't care less!! Or at least my colleagues...

I didn't want this to be a negative post because I still feel blessed to have had the dad I had. It is just hard to miss him like that!! But I'd rather have it that way and remember the great times we had than the opposite.

Was talking to a colleague about my holidays and stuff and then she mentioned that every friday night she is going out with whoever wants to come to Ealing. She is Canadian and the people going are most of them also Canadian. And she told me if I wanted to join them I am more than welcome. Well that has cheered me up! It would be good to do that every Friday and see new faces. Just what I need! Now I just have to face my shyness fears to meet new people... It is the same thing all over every time I go somewhere I don't know people. But that is the only way I will meet people and hopefully meet the man of my dreams :) And I know Canadian people are very nice people and very open so hopefully that will help me feel confortable with them... Will let you know how it went....

Foodwise it is still not great as am not eating a lot of veggies. But now I just want to get used to being back and get my routine back. As now it is all over the place. Will be good when it is all back to normal. My sleeping pattern is not great either but that I don't know whether it is because of the jetlag of my dad. So hopefully by the end of the week everything should be OK!!

xxxx

Miss you dad....

Today I feel a bit sad as it is the day that my dad died 6 years ago. And I remember the phone call I got from my sister to tell me and all the emotional stress that followed. But on the other hand I know he is happy there and I feel blessed to have had a dad like him. I was very much a daddy's girl and miss him very much. I know he didn't want to grow old and that his children would have to look after him and he was very worried about that. And just for that reason I am happy for him that he doesn't have to go through that! But it still hurts not to have him here anymore and hear his voice and how happy he always was to see me. But then again I have great memories of him that I will treasure for the rest of my life! And that is more important than wondering what could have been ... I can't change anything to the situation but I just want him to be proud of me!!!

xxxx

I'm back ....

And yes … I am back from my fab holiday. Just what I needed. Before my holiday I was so down, emotional,… and now I feel so good and positive. I was able to totally switch off and forget about everything back home and everything that got me so irritated before my holiday. Today I am still in a holiday mood. And can’t stop smiling while people here at work are stressed and grumpy!! Amazing what a fab holiday can do to you! :)

A bit more about my trip now … I went with my friend B on holiday. We have been on holiday before and we fell out for several reason but more because there were 3 of us and she felt left out. We patched up everything since then and have become really good friends. Although all this falling out was in the past it was still in the back of our minds and we openly admitted it!
We had so much fun. It was like 2 silly teenagers going on holiday. And we laughed for the simplest of things.

Just to give you an idea of your big adventure … here is the itinerary:
Montreal – stayed there 3 nights. The longest we stayed at one place :)
Drive to Niagara Falls and stay over one night
Visit the Niagara Falls and drive in the afternoon to Toronto. Stay in Toronto just for the night.
Visit Toronto just for the day. Way to short but we didn’t have enough time to stay longer as we had a busy schedule ahead. I loved that city. There was so much going on.
Drive to Quebec. Had to do an overnight stay on the way as it was too long to do it in one go.
Arrive at Quebec and stayed overnight. Visited the city and left the next day. It is a very nice town and people are so very friendly. There really are interested in how you are and not about the weather and stuff :)
Next day drove to Tadoussac to see the whales and black bears. We went on a cruise trip and saw some whales. It was fab. And then in the afternoon we went to see the black bears. Fab fab fab … love them!!
Then for the next 3 days we drove through la Gaspésie which is a beautiful countryside. The weather wasn’t great so we didn’t manage to do everything we wanted but the colours were absolutely gorgeous.
Then back to Montreal for the night as we were to Boston by coach. Yes by coach … an 11 hour journey!! I thought we would never get there. That was actually the only day that we didn’t do any type of exercise.
We stayed in Boston for 2 night. It is a great city with lots to do and people are still quite friendly. Although I prefer the Canadian people…
And then back to London :-( :-( I so didn’t want to go back home. I loved it there so much… But that is a good sign too as it means I totally chilled out and can face all the challenges ahead!! So now you have an idea of the things I’ve done.

Food wise I didn’t have too much bread and tried to go for chicken/fish with veggies rather than the cheese or greasy option. I had bread one day for breakfast and lunch and was totally blocked up and couldn’t go the loo so stopped eating that!!

Exercise wise we walked a lot every single day except the day that we travelled to Boston. We went running 5 times during our trip which is great as it is something I have never done in my previous holiday. One day we even went for a run at 7am … you have to know that I am not a morning person at all and for me exercising at that time doesn’t come in the equation usually. But we wanted to go running and that was the only time we could it that day!!

This morning when I went on the scales I was happily surprised that I only put on 1 kilo during my 2 weeks holiday. Very impressed with myself. Although I haven’t really looked to be good all the exercising much be the key and no bread too… We still had a few glasses of wine every night and lots of sweeties (pick ‘n mix type of things). I only have these sweets when I am on holiday. So maybe now I have found the recipe to go on holiday and not ruin my hard work.

Finally a positive post after my quite negative post before my holiday … Feeling good right now. I hope it will last :)

I hope you are all well

xxxxxx

OK this is it!!

This is it I am going on holiday!! J So this will be my last post for a while. I am really excited to go but still quite emotional. Still not too sure why. A lot of thoughts and emotions are going through my head. So I hope this holiday will help to deal with all these thoughts and emotions. Because it is very draining and still feel like crying most of the time. So can’t wait to just get on that plane and go…

Right now I don’t know whether I feel like that because of my loneliness or whether it is because of the feelings I might have for someone or whether it is a total different reason. I am someone that likes to know why I am feeling like that. And this is the hardest part that I don’t.

But with all these struggling moments I realise that I have some really good friends that will support me and will still love me regardless of this! And that is a heart warming feeling for me! In the past I always thought I had to be cheerful and funny otherwise people wouldn’t like me!! So being down or struggling didn’t fit into that. So although now I am struggling I feel happy at the same time. Very strange feeling….

Now I am off to a holiday that will definitely put my mind on other things as it will be big adventure. We will never stay in the same place for more than 2-3 days. Just perfect for me!! Not too much time to think about stuff!! So looking forward.

And the other thing is that I’ve been seeing a counsellor for the last 5 years. She has helped me tremendously and now I won’t see her for 5 weeks. So next time I will see her will be the week after my holiday. It is a long time as usually I see her every other week or so. But maybe it is good for me too to see that I can cope without her. Although now I realise that it would be good to see her. She is a bit like my safety blanket and she has kept me sane while I was going totally off the rails.
Some people have already told me that maybe I should stop these sessions with her. I don’t like it when people make comments like that as it is my life and I am the only one that knows what goes on inside. So for the time being I will go and see her because there is still some unfinished business to take care off.

Anyway looking forward to my holiday!! See you when I get back :)

Caroline xxxx

Thank you!!

This will probably be my last post before my holiday. My friend who goes on holiday with me is arriving tomorrow. She lives in Paris. So won't have much time to post.

Today was a much better day. I feel a bit better and more relaxed and looking forward to my holiday. Uptill now I couldn't be bothered to start packing and thinking about all the things I had to do. A very weird feeling as normally I would be excited weeks in advance. But I am so emotionally drained that everything makes me cry and everything is too much effort. So for me right now it is just to get through the days till Friday.

I have been a real b**** lately and it wasn't very enjoyable for those on the receiving end. So will have to do some apologising as I feel quite bad about it. I couldn't help it at the time but now I realise I shouldn't have said or behaved in the way I did. But when the emotions take over it is very hard to be realistic about stuff. I have been very lucky to have fab friends who understand me and accept that. But have also been horrible to people who do not know me that well. So some apologising is of order...

And also want to thank everyone who has helped me with their supportive comments on here and on WLR. All these comments are very heart warming and make me realise I am not on my own. And that has been a big issue in the last few days - the lonelyness!! I still found it very hard but somehow my head is clearer and am more realistic about life. And I can see the other side of tunnel now..

I still think that a dog would be ideal solution for me. I absolutely love dogs and it would be fab to have one to look after. So when I am back from holiday I have to start looking into that and see what a good dog would be. Any suggestions of which dog is recommended for a "first time dog owner" pls let me know.

So once again a BIG BIG BIG thank you to all you lovely people!!!

Breakfast: Porridge oats, skimmed milk, sunflower seeds and choc whey protein
Snack: Apple
Lunch: Chilli no rice. Desset: 2 Satumas and apple
Pre workout: Banana + nut butter and a protein shake
Post workout: Protein shake
Dinner: Omelette made with 2 eggs and 3 egg whites. Dessert: Grapes
Drinks: 3L water, energy drink and Cafe Latte

Exercise: PT run

Since I started taking magnesium I sleep so much better. I read about it that is promotes healthy sleep. I didn't know that. And because right now my emotions are getting the better me and there my head is buzzing and therefor sleeping is not on the agenda then. So these magnesium tablet are a welcome relief to help me sleep... I have some sleeping tablets but don't really want to take them to often as it gets very addictive.

I played tennis today and burned another 520cal. Very pleased with that! I can feel now that as I get fitter it gets harder to get to these 500 cal. So that is good news! It is just we have to play longer to get to these calories :)

Spoke to a very close friend today about why I am crying all the time. I think one the main problems is the fact that I feel quite lonely. And that is not all that easy to go out there and meet people especially as I am quite shy. It was great talking to her as she knows me quite well and know what works for me. It is a shame that she lives in France. I miss her so much. Anyway we've been talking about me having a dog. I absolutely love dogs. But never had the guts to go and buy one. First because I struggle making decisions and then also I don't know which dog to chose. It would be my first dog so don't want to have one that is too excited. In November my friend and her girlfriend are coming over and then we might have a look at dogs. I think that would be a great thing for me to have a dog. First as it is easier to meet people when walking a dog and it would help my lonelyness. And would be a great company.

Breakfast: Porridge oats, skimmed milk, sunflower seeds and choc whey protein
Lunch: Camembert (a whole one!!) But I loved every single piece of it... Dessert: Pineapple
Snack: Flapjack
Dinner: Broccoli soup and roll (gluten free) with smoked salmon. Dessert: Pineapple
Snack: 3 Oat cakes
Drinks: 3L water

Exercise: Tennis 1.5 hrs

Don't read if you are down....

I feel so emotional and down and all that a week before my holiday. A holiday that I have been longing to for over a year. So I think I should be happy and cheerful. But I am not. And when I look at my life I should feel really happy. I have a job, nice friends, my fitness is getting better, my weightloss is slow but is going downhill and feel much better about myself. But somehow I still focus on the negatives which is no boyfriend among other things. I have been single for too long now and wonder if ever that is going to change. And I know everyone is saying that of course I will find someone. But I am not convinced anymore. So why haven't I met him sofar? How can a boyfriend be the solution of my problems. Because it is not!!! It is like when I have a boyfriend then I am happy again. The thing is I can't say I am not happy as I feel quite content most of the time. But I feel quite lonely coming back home and having nobody here to talk to, hug, kiss,....

Yesterday my PT noticed I wasn't in the best of moods and I just told him that I was annoyed at a few people but didn't want to talk about it. So he asked me what it was and I stupidly said he was one of the things. And it is true. But because I feel so emotionally drained right now every little thing is too much. And so right now I just want to go on holiday clear my head and come back and see if all these little things are still annoying me. And the probably won't be. And that is the reason why I didn't want to talk to him about it. I also told him that I have more than enough of always moaning and complaining about everything. As usually I am not like that. I am a happy person and positive person. Right now you wouldn't think that!! My PT really wanted to know what was wrong and I said that it didn't matter but it did matter to him. I told him that it is not like I want to stop these session. I am still coming back after my holiday so no worries. He told me that because I see him more than anybody else and that I have nobody at home it is normal that I get things off my chest. And he is the one who will hear it. But that my moaning was too bad... Well of course he is going to say that!!

He is been single for 2 weeks and yesterday he said that he has someone else!!! I've been single for so much more longer and I can't meet the right guy. What is wrong with me!!!!? OK I like my PT but not in a sexual way as I don't think he is the right person for me! But I think I would like to meet someone where I have the same interaction and feel confortable as with him. So right now it is all very confusing in my head!! I am more in love in having a boyfriend than really loving him!! But I found it so hard to split the two....

I just want to be happy and positive again. I don't like this. And when I am like I am now then I just want to go into hiding. And wait till it blows over. But I should let it out. That is why I decided to write it on here. And usually I feel better afterwards and at least I have bothered anyone with this. Because in the end my life is not that bad. I have a job, a house, good health, some nice friends, finances are OK too. But still I feel poo.... And I know there so many people worse off and I should be grateful with what I have. But somehow I just focus on what I haven't got.... And it has to stop.

So my holiday comes a just the right time. And I know I will be very excited. Just wished I could go now and not having to wait for another week!!!!

Will go for a run shortly and hopefully that will help to clear my head ....