OK this is it!!

This is it I am going on holiday!! J So this will be my last post for a while. I am really excited to go but still quite emotional. Still not too sure why. A lot of thoughts and emotions are going through my head. So I hope this holiday will help to deal with all these thoughts and emotions. Because it is very draining and still feel like crying most of the time. So can’t wait to just get on that plane and go…

Right now I don’t know whether I feel like that because of my loneliness or whether it is because of the feelings I might have for someone or whether it is a total different reason. I am someone that likes to know why I am feeling like that. And this is the hardest part that I don’t.

But with all these struggling moments I realise that I have some really good friends that will support me and will still love me regardless of this! And that is a heart warming feeling for me! In the past I always thought I had to be cheerful and funny otherwise people wouldn’t like me!! So being down or struggling didn’t fit into that. So although now I am struggling I feel happy at the same time. Very strange feeling….

Now I am off to a holiday that will definitely put my mind on other things as it will be big adventure. We will never stay in the same place for more than 2-3 days. Just perfect for me!! Not too much time to think about stuff!! So looking forward.

And the other thing is that I’ve been seeing a counsellor for the last 5 years. She has helped me tremendously and now I won’t see her for 5 weeks. So next time I will see her will be the week after my holiday. It is a long time as usually I see her every other week or so. But maybe it is good for me too to see that I can cope without her. Although now I realise that it would be good to see her. She is a bit like my safety blanket and she has kept me sane while I was going totally off the rails.
Some people have already told me that maybe I should stop these sessions with her. I don’t like it when people make comments like that as it is my life and I am the only one that knows what goes on inside. So for the time being I will go and see her because there is still some unfinished business to take care off.

Anyway looking forward to my holiday!! See you when I get back :)

Caroline xxxx

Thank you!!

This will probably be my last post before my holiday. My friend who goes on holiday with me is arriving tomorrow. She lives in Paris. So won't have much time to post.

Today was a much better day. I feel a bit better and more relaxed and looking forward to my holiday. Uptill now I couldn't be bothered to start packing and thinking about all the things I had to do. A very weird feeling as normally I would be excited weeks in advance. But I am so emotionally drained that everything makes me cry and everything is too much effort. So for me right now it is just to get through the days till Friday.

I have been a real b**** lately and it wasn't very enjoyable for those on the receiving end. So will have to do some apologising as I feel quite bad about it. I couldn't help it at the time but now I realise I shouldn't have said or behaved in the way I did. But when the emotions take over it is very hard to be realistic about stuff. I have been very lucky to have fab friends who understand me and accept that. But have also been horrible to people who do not know me that well. So some apologising is of order...

And also want to thank everyone who has helped me with their supportive comments on here and on WLR. All these comments are very heart warming and make me realise I am not on my own. And that has been a big issue in the last few days - the lonelyness!! I still found it very hard but somehow my head is clearer and am more realistic about life. And I can see the other side of tunnel now..

I still think that a dog would be ideal solution for me. I absolutely love dogs and it would be fab to have one to look after. So when I am back from holiday I have to start looking into that and see what a good dog would be. Any suggestions of which dog is recommended for a "first time dog owner" pls let me know.

So once again a BIG BIG BIG thank you to all you lovely people!!!

Breakfast: Porridge oats, skimmed milk, sunflower seeds and choc whey protein
Snack: Apple
Lunch: Chilli no rice. Desset: 2 Satumas and apple
Pre workout: Banana + nut butter and a protein shake
Post workout: Protein shake
Dinner: Omelette made with 2 eggs and 3 egg whites. Dessert: Grapes
Drinks: 3L water, energy drink and Cafe Latte

Exercise: PT run

Since I started taking magnesium I sleep so much better. I read about it that is promotes healthy sleep. I didn't know that. And because right now my emotions are getting the better me and there my head is buzzing and therefor sleeping is not on the agenda then. So these magnesium tablet are a welcome relief to help me sleep... I have some sleeping tablets but don't really want to take them to often as it gets very addictive.

I played tennis today and burned another 520cal. Very pleased with that! I can feel now that as I get fitter it gets harder to get to these 500 cal. So that is good news! It is just we have to play longer to get to these calories :)

Spoke to a very close friend today about why I am crying all the time. I think one the main problems is the fact that I feel quite lonely. And that is not all that easy to go out there and meet people especially as I am quite shy. It was great talking to her as she knows me quite well and know what works for me. It is a shame that she lives in France. I miss her so much. Anyway we've been talking about me having a dog. I absolutely love dogs. But never had the guts to go and buy one. First because I struggle making decisions and then also I don't know which dog to chose. It would be my first dog so don't want to have one that is too excited. In November my friend and her girlfriend are coming over and then we might have a look at dogs. I think that would be a great thing for me to have a dog. First as it is easier to meet people when walking a dog and it would help my lonelyness. And would be a great company.

Breakfast: Porridge oats, skimmed milk, sunflower seeds and choc whey protein
Lunch: Camembert (a whole one!!) But I loved every single piece of it... Dessert: Pineapple
Snack: Flapjack
Dinner: Broccoli soup and roll (gluten free) with smoked salmon. Dessert: Pineapple
Snack: 3 Oat cakes
Drinks: 3L water

Exercise: Tennis 1.5 hrs

Don't read if you are down....

I feel so emotional and down and all that a week before my holiday. A holiday that I have been longing to for over a year. So I think I should be happy and cheerful. But I am not. And when I look at my life I should feel really happy. I have a job, nice friends, my fitness is getting better, my weightloss is slow but is going downhill and feel much better about myself. But somehow I still focus on the negatives which is no boyfriend among other things. I have been single for too long now and wonder if ever that is going to change. And I know everyone is saying that of course I will find someone. But I am not convinced anymore. So why haven't I met him sofar? How can a boyfriend be the solution of my problems. Because it is not!!! It is like when I have a boyfriend then I am happy again. The thing is I can't say I am not happy as I feel quite content most of the time. But I feel quite lonely coming back home and having nobody here to talk to, hug, kiss,....

Yesterday my PT noticed I wasn't in the best of moods and I just told him that I was annoyed at a few people but didn't want to talk about it. So he asked me what it was and I stupidly said he was one of the things. And it is true. But because I feel so emotionally drained right now every little thing is too much. And so right now I just want to go on holiday clear my head and come back and see if all these little things are still annoying me. And the probably won't be. And that is the reason why I didn't want to talk to him about it. I also told him that I have more than enough of always moaning and complaining about everything. As usually I am not like that. I am a happy person and positive person. Right now you wouldn't think that!! My PT really wanted to know what was wrong and I said that it didn't matter but it did matter to him. I told him that it is not like I want to stop these session. I am still coming back after my holiday so no worries. He told me that because I see him more than anybody else and that I have nobody at home it is normal that I get things off my chest. And he is the one who will hear it. But that my moaning was too bad... Well of course he is going to say that!!

He is been single for 2 weeks and yesterday he said that he has someone else!!! I've been single for so much more longer and I can't meet the right guy. What is wrong with me!!!!? OK I like my PT but not in a sexual way as I don't think he is the right person for me! But I think I would like to meet someone where I have the same interaction and feel confortable as with him. So right now it is all very confusing in my head!! I am more in love in having a boyfriend than really loving him!! But I found it so hard to split the two....

I just want to be happy and positive again. I don't like this. And when I am like I am now then I just want to go into hiding. And wait till it blows over. But I should let it out. That is why I decided to write it on here. And usually I feel better afterwards and at least I have bothered anyone with this. Because in the end my life is not that bad. I have a job, a house, good health, some nice friends, finances are OK too. But still I feel poo.... And I know there so many people worse off and I should be grateful with what I have. But somehow I just focus on what I haven't got.... And it has to stop.

So my holiday comes a just the right time. And I know I will be very excited. Just wished I could go now and not having to wait for another week!!!!

Will go for a run shortly and hopefully that will help to clear my head ....

Happy Friday!!

I have lost another 400gr. Woohoo!! I want to lose another kilo tby end of next week or as close to it as I can. I am happy as usually when a holiday approaches I give up on my healthy eating. But this time round it is different and it feels good. I have lost 7kg sofar in 4 months. I am quite happy with that results. So that is about 2kg per month. It is not as much as I would like but that I will get there. WLR tells me I will reach my target by march next year. So that is not too bad.

I am so very excited about my holiday. 7 days to go :) My friend who is living in France and who am going on holiday with is arriving on Tuesday. So the holiday kind of starts now. Canada here we come ...

After my holiday I will start training for a triathlon and so hopefully that will keep me on the right path while away. It feels good to have something to look forward to when I am back from holiday.

A friend asked to me a 13mile walk in Windsor but it is the day I come back from holiday so that is not gonna happen. And then she told me the start was at 5.30am!!! I was like "WHAT!?" .. It is still dark at that time. But would like to do something like that one day. Maybe not at that time of the day!!!

Breakfast: Porridge oats, sunflower seeds. skimmed milk and choc whey protein
Snack: Apple
Lunch: Peaches and tuna. Dessert: Melon and red currants
Pre-Workout: Shake + Banana and cashew nut butter
Post Workout: Shake
Dinner: Egg Omelette made with 2 eggs and 3 egg whites + Smoked trout. Dessert: Pineapple
Snack: TBC
Drinks: 1 Cafe Latte, 3L water, Energy drink

Exercise: PT gym session

Happy again...

Last night spoke to Natasja, best friend, about my shyness in the pub and the guy on this dating site who didn't reply. And it was good to talk to her as she knows me better than anyone else and realise that my shyness is not always a bad thing. After that conversation I realised I am way to harsh on myself and I should take one step at the time and that everything will be fine.

Welcome to my drama world... :)

This morning the guy from the dating site replied and said that he was very sorry but his mum had to go to hospital and he still really wanted to meet up with me. So that was good news. It has really cheered me up again. So we'll see what the next thing will be.

I played tennis with another friend this afternoon. And now my knees are in agony. Every time we played I burn about 500 calories. So now I always tell him that we have to play till I burn that. And it is probably because I am getting fitter but it took me longer to get to these 500 calories. At about 350 I was getting really tired but he felt like carry on and he forced me to play till we got to the 500. Glad we did now... This HRM thing is such a great thing for me to push me otherwise I would have stopped much earlier.

Breakfast: Porridge oats, skimmed milk, sunflower seeds and choc whey protein
Lunch: Omelette made with 2 eggs and 3 egg whites and a gluten free roll and 3 oat cakes. Dessert: pineapple
Snack: Trek flapjack (God I love these!!Much nicer than the nakd bar...)
Dinner: Chicken breast and lentils. Dessert: Grapes
Snack: Not sure yet
Drinks: 3L water

Exercise: 1.5Hr Tennis singles

Online dating

I have been on an online dating for some time now and right now I think I will stop this for a while or maybe forever. I don't know yet. Reason being is that some men I have been chatting online with often said that they really enjoy chatting to me and that we should meet upp. And when it came down to have something organised they didn't bother replying to emails or messages. And right now I have more than enough of men with no balls. Why on earth would you tell someone that it is great chatting to just to be nice. I don't get it!! So right now I am just gonna stop it for the time being and see what happens. Anyway I am going on holiday in 2 weeks time and then after that will start my triathlon training and will meet people there too. So that is why I want to take a break of it. I know a lot of people that have met their partner onlin but it obviously is not something for me ... or maybe now is not the right moment!! Time will tell... The reason why I was so down for the last few days is probably because of that. I was suppose to go on a date tomorrow and the guy in question hasn't confirmed it yet!!! So am not happy at all about it as I was really looking forward to it... I have enough of crying about it and decided enough is enough. Time to enjoy life and not to be miserable. I feel like I have been moaning and complaining a lot and that is so not like me. This holiday couldn't come at a bette time!!! I cannot wait ... the next 2 weeks are going to be the longest of my life :)

Today went running with my PT and it was great. After the run we went for a coffee and he had a sandwich. It was nice to do that. He keeps paying for this which is nice. It is nice to have a PT that takes care about the social side too!! So in the end it was a total of 2.5hr that I was away with him. 1.15hr running + walking back to the club and I have burned over 700 calories. I was very happy about that... And then in the evening I met with some friends which was very nice too and so my spirits are on the up again....

I realise too that I am emotionally drained right now and cannot cope with too many emotional stuff right now. So that is why this holiday couldn't come at a better time. So after my holiday my posts should be more positive and cheerful and full of zest :)

Thanks for reading!!